Archive for the ‘Anger’ Category

Being thrown in the Lion’s Den

Posted: June 21, 2010 in Anger, epiphanies, Life Happens
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I woke up on Sunday morning (May 23rd) to the sound of my door buzzer at 8am. It was one of the Sheriffs from the Frederick County Police Department. Ever since I spoke rudely to him about a year ago for banging on my door at 6:30am, I’ve worked hard to be as polite as possible with him. After all, he was just the messenger. I’m sure he’s not a bad guy. He just needed to comply with his requirements to check and see if I still lived at my current address. But the thing I’ve noticed is that he’s been showing up more frequently this past year. Way more than he ever did back in 2006 when I got out of prison. Four years later, and the intensity has only increased.

Leonidas, King of Sparta, kills the Persian messenger out of anger

I said a quick prayer after answering the buzzer, and then fell back asleep. I wasn’t going to let this ruin my day.

When I came back from church that afternoon, I checked my mail. It had been a couple of days since I had checked last. When I opened up the mailbox, there was a single letter propped up diagonally, waiting to be picked. It was plump, and didn’t feel like a bill.

I didn’t recognize the return address, but in red lettering it marked:

URGENT: New law affects YOU!

Immediately my heart started to race. I double checked the return address to see if it was from the police department. It wasn’t.

I wedged my finger between the fold and aggressively opened the letter, intently reading the document as I blindly walked up the three flights of stairs. The first paragraph opened with,

On May 5, Governor O’Malley signed legislation into law that will drastically impact your life. The law takes effect on October 1, 2010. We summarize the worst aspects of the new law below.

I felt light-headed as I pressed on, debating whether or not I could even bare to even keep reading. I’m not sure what I was feeling at the moment. Angry, desolate, hopeless, condemned, depressed, hatred, scared…they all took turns playing imaginary conversations in my head. I couldn’t decide whose voice I sided with more.

It took me three or four times to read through the eight page letter just to make sure I didn’t miss a beat. I kept hoping I would find a clause in there that absolved me in some way. I never found it. What I did find, however, was plenty of reform that did in fact affect me.

  1. Registering multiple addresses: As of October 1, I will have to notify each local law enforcement unit where I “habitually live”. My current address is already registered with the police, but now, I am required to report (in writing or in person) any address where I “sleep or visit with any regularity, for longer than 5 hours per visit, more than 5 times within a 30-day period”. So sleepovers at friends and family’s houses will now count as a residence for me, which means that THEIR HOUSE will now be on the registry as well. Oh, and since I spend plenty of time at church these days, I’ll have to report that as an address of residence as well.
  2. Travel Restrictions: In addition, I’ll have to provide a travel itinerary, which looks like I will be criminalized for any unanticipated absence from home caused by an emergency. In addition, I will be prohibited from taking a cross-country trip by motor vehicle unless all lodging and travel accommodations are planned in advance, and the details provided to authorities.
  3. Perhaps the most notable is the new classification system: Under the new guidelines, my offense, which is currently a Tier I offense (least severe offense), will be reclassified to a Tier II offense. What that means is that instead of being on the sex offender registry for 10 years (I currently have 6 years to go), I’ll now be required to register every 6 months for a total of 25 yrs (until I’m 53 yrs old). So my mug shot, full name, date of birth, address, contact information, etc. will be plastered on the internet until I’m in my 50’s, with nothing more than the description of my charge (that will have taken place over 29 yrs prior).

Apparently, there were 84 bills in all that targeted sex offenders this past January, and although many of them were stopped, most of them were not.

Needless to say, I sat on my couch with tears streaming down my face for the rest of the day. I literally felt nauseous at the thought that I would be on stricter provisions than when I was on probation for a period of three years after being released from prison. I was just starting to feel like this part of my life was behind me. Instead, the “Adversary” (or Satan) had been working behind the scenes to sabotage my hope and joy, quickly pushing me back into my prison cell of condemnation.

I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to disappear. No one understood how hopeless I felt. Not even my closest friends or even my sister. What was the point in reform? What was the point in following Christ and living for Him if there was nothing to gain?

I didn’t really believe that those things were pointless of course, but admittedly those thoughts ran through my head, and I cried out to God while on my hands and knees, begging for Him to save me from my own self-destruction. I was reaching my breaking point.

The next morning, I literally yelled at myself to get out of bed. I’m not one to talk to myself like some crazy person, but I just didn’t care anymore. I wasn’t going to lose this battle, not without a fight.

I made my way to the living room couch to have my daily time with God. My eyes were still puffy from the day before and I didn’t feel like reading the bible, but I knew I had to. I didn’t want to be a hypocrite since I’m always telling my Lifegroup to “press on and be disciplined in reading your bible even when you don’t feel like it”. I’m glad I’ve been telling them this for the past year…because it reminded me that I needed to heed my own advice.

I had been reading the book of Daniel for the past week, and that morning, I had come across Chapter 6 – Daniel in the Lion’s Den. And even though I knew the story well enough to recite it to someone who wasn’t familiar, I had no idea what God was about to reveal to me. I would encourage you to read it in full.

There were several things that jumped out to me, and I broke down with tears of joy as I read it. This was a message for ME. God was speaking to me through this passage, and it was no coincidence that I was reading it for perhaps the first time in my life. I had always heard the story told, but never read it for myself. Here’s what I learned:

  1. Politics and power corrupt officials and laws: Daniel had found favor with God, and as a result, he started from the bottom of society as a slave, to the second most powerful man over a kingdom. Jealous of his power and position, governmental authorities plotted against him and influenced laws that they knew would affect righteous people like Daniel. (see Daniel 6:1-9) How did this speak to me? Political figures are often corrupted by their desire for power. As a result, they will occasionally create laws that are not in the best interests of the general public, but are rather suited to serve their own agendas. Don’t get me wrong, who wants sexual predators unmonitored on the streets right? However, the reality is that these increasingly harsher laws are doing nothing to solve the problem. The fact is that it’s not quite as rampant a problem as the media would make it out to believe. (see my post: Seat’s Taken for stats on sex offender recidivism)
  2. Good people in authority can make unwise decisions: The King trusted his advisers, so when they advised him to put a law into effect, he blindly trusted their authority without paying much attention to the implications of the new law. If he had he taken the time to think it through, he likely would not have followed through on creating such a destructive law because it would have affected his most trusted adviser and friend. (Daniel 6:9, 14)
  3. Laws can be easily created, but are often very hard to eradicate: It’s interesting to note that even though the king had the authority to make a law in this society, he did not have the authority to ignore it. (see Daniel 6:8,14-15) Similarly, in our society, it’s relatively easy to create a new law, but very difficult to get rid of existing laws. Instead, these laws will simply become dormant and overlooked, but they are still there for prosecution if someone decides to follow the letter of the law. Chances are, you have broken dozens of laws and weren’t even aware of it.The laws have been established…often by misguided individuals. These laws often do not consider the far reaching implications and ramifications – nor do many people care. And in some cases, there are political pundits that are simply looking to take an aggressive stand on an issue that they know will win popularity. They are not seeking to put these laws in effect for any other reason than their own political careers. Similarly, “the royal administrators, prefects, satraps, advisers and governors have all agreed that the king should issue an edict and enforce the decree” (verse 7) because they were jealous of Daniel’s power and influence. So they set out to bring him down in order for their own gain.
  4. If God saved Daniel from being eaten by lions, he can save me: although my situation may feel hopeless, cumbersome, punitive, and unjust, God can certainly save me from a life robbed of joy and peace. Daniel didn’t stop worshiping God despite the consequences, and he certainly didn’t deserve the punishment given him. But God loves his children and He will protect them from injustice if it will lead to his glorification. (Daniel 6:22-23)
  5. The bigger the test, the bigger the testimony: If Daniel, a righteous man that was loved by the king, did not get unjustly accused of a crime, then he would never have been thrown in the lions den. More importantly, this test was a greater opportunity for God to show his power and character. Even though the king didn’t believe in Daniel’s God before this trial, he did become a believer after the trial, and as a result, he made Daniel’s God known to all of his kingdom and other nations (Daniel 6:25-27). God turned a terrible tragedy into an amazing story. It wouldn’t have had the same effect if Daniel was thrown into cage of harmless house kittens. What’s the miracle and power in that?

When we cry out to God and share with Him our pains, He hears us. As a caring father, he cares about the pains we go through and won’t allow us to go through trials without a purpose. I LOVE how He spoke to me through this Word. I don’t know if you can see how God spoke to me through this Word or not, but for me, it was another example of His love, grace, mercy, and His living power. I am continually reminded of the promise of Romans 8:28 that states that “all things work together for the good of those who love Him”, but here’s another promise that He has given me:

Because you got a double dose of trouble and more than your share of contempt, Your inheritance in the land will be doubled and your joy go on forever. (Isaiah 61:7, The Message)

So I say BRING IT Satan! The more you bring, the more I will inherit!

The invisible “Kick Me!” sign

Posted: August 31, 2009 in Anger, Life Happens
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Who's kicking you around and why?

Who's kicking you around and why?

Have you ever had a bad experience that has led to a bad taste in your mouth? Maybe it was a food that you had as a child that literally got you sick, and has forever ruined your appetite to eat that food again. Or maybe it was a bad relationship that has gotten you jaded and looking at everyone with a skeptical eye. Have you ever had a bad experience with someone of another race, and now that has shaped the way you look at everyone of that race? You may not openly voice those opinions, biases, or judgments, but we’ve all done it.

I’m guilty of this myself. Probably of all three that I mentioned. And this morning, I found myself infuriated, again, with cops.

I was taking out the trash this morning in my complex when I saw the unmarked State Trooper camped out on the street outside my development. I was thinking to myself, “What a jerk” (or maybe something worse) as I imagined him sitting there just looking for reasons to pull people over.

By the time I made it back to my car, he was gone. I pulled out of the parking lot and onto the road where he was idling. As I was nearing the stop sign, there he was, idling again…waiting for his next prey.

I took my time getting there. I didn’t want to draw attention to myself by coming up on him too fast. Red sports cars have a way of giving the appearance of exaggerated motions.

I could see his face in the side view mirror, and I instantly remembered who this guy was. He had pulled me over on the way to work about ten months ago. I was riding my motorcycle, minding my own business. I was sitting in traffic at a light, idling behind a school bus when I noticed out of my periphery that a car was creeping up beside me. When I turned my head to the right, he rolled down his window and signaled for me to pull over. What in the world could I have possibly done, in traffic, having only been on the road for less than a mile? Where did this creeper come from?

My Yamaha Roadstar Warrior - notice the vertical mounted license plate

My Yamaha Roadstar Warrior - notice the vertical mounted license plate

Forty-five minutes later, he gave me a citation for having my license plate displayed vertically. According to this guy (and this guy only – I later verified with several other cops and two other bike shops the validity of his statement – they denied confirmation of his claim), a license plate must be displayed horizontally. $75 later, I still have not purchased a $200 license bracket plus the labor it would take to remedy the situation. Instead, I’ve barely ridden my motorcycle in the past year out of fear that this ____ cop is going to stumble across me again and write me another ticket – or worse, find some other reason to cart me off to jail.

Am I crazy? Is it just my imagination? Am I just that rebellious that I’m breaking laws left and right, looking for trouble?

Well, this morning, when I saw him sitting at the stop sign, getting ready to pull onto the main drag to work, I thought to myself…I better keep a safe distance so that he can’t run my plates. My cop friends tell me that they run plates all day long. If you see a cop on the highway, cruising with a pack of cars, guess what they’re doing – they’re running all the plates of the cars around them. If they see anything off (an expired tag, a delinquent parking ticket, a cracked windshield, a tail light that is out, a dark tint…), they WILL pull you over just to see what else they can find. Those little things are a gateway to finding bigger things. Their philosophy is “where there is smoke, there’s fire…”…so you don’t want to have any smoke coming from your car (pun intended).

I know many of you are thinking, “but I have a cracked windshield”, or “I have 10 unpaid parking tickets”, or “my tail light has been out for 2 years and I’ve never been pulled over”. Well, here’s the catch…there are caveats to this procedure. If you’re driving a four cylinder grannymobile, and you’re a white female, or if you’re a white male driving a Cadillac CTS, and your record is clean, they’re not going to bother you. Check out this article on Frederick County if you don’t believe it’s a problem (Experts say racial disparity among stops warrant investigation). It’s just not worth their time because it’s not likely that they are going to find anything else. But if you’re an asian male in a predominantly caucasian county, in a red sports car with tinted windows and a criminal  record, they WILL pull you over. Wow…when I look at it like that, maybe I’d pull myself over too.

I was already pulled over for this violation a year ago. Another cop pulled me over, claiming that my window tint was over the legal limit. It wasn’t. I specifically ordered the legal limit when I bought the tint. Why would I want to draw unnecessary attention to myself, right? Apparently it didn’t matter. If they “suspect” that it’s illegal, the burden falls on me to prove otherwise. What no one tells you is how you can go about proving your innocence. Not even the cops. I went through the process of proving the legality of my tint, had the necessary citations signed off on, paid my fine, and thought this was behind me. Then one day, I received a notice in the mail that my registration was being suspended. Messy messy messy. And have I mentioned the frustration?

That was supposed to have been sorted out this past March. So when the Trooper this morning started gabbing about my illegal tint, I pulled out copies of the documents I had proving my innocence.

This doesn’t tell me anything. What this says is that you were late in sorting this problem out in the first place. And who’s to say you haven’t gotten a darker tint since then?

Are you kidding me? I couldn’t believe what he was saying. I play by their rules, and they still screw with you. He and I knew that this was not about a window tint…but neither one of us was going to mention the big, fat elephant standing between us. Every time that has come up, they (and I) end up getting angry with each other. They feel the need to put a “criminal” in his place, and I feel a need to remind them that I’ve paid my dues and debt to society and shouldn’t be condemned for something that happened six years ago. It gets us nowhere, so I just bit my lip.

Just do what you got to do

I didn’t want to get in a battle with him, so I just told him to write me up and do what he had to do. He was in his car on his cell phone for a good twenty minutes – verifying all the statements and claims I had made to see if he had caught me in a lie.

After a short prayer, I was reminded of a promise from God – a promise that I need to hold on to whenever I’m feeling condemned. A promise for days like today:

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. – Isaiah 43:18-19

Minutes later, the Trooper got out of his vehicle and made his way back to mine. This time, I was NOT issued a ticket. I was just issued a repair order. He told me that he was going to personally follow up with me to see that I have this done. “Do you have any questions?”, he asked.

“Yes. When you say you are going to ‘personally’ follow up with me, what do you mean by that? Do you plan on knocking on my door so that you can inspect my tint?”

“No. I’ll just follow up with you.”

“Right. But we live in the same neighborhood, so what are you planning to do?” He didn’t answer. So I just looked away and waited for him to leave.

“Have a nice day”, he said.

When I got back to the office, there was an email waiting for me from my prayer partner, reminding me of God’s promise for my future, reminding me to disregard Satan’s condemnation for something that I’ve been forgiven of already.

I have to admit it’s hard for me to look at every cop individually and refrain from lumping them all into one pool of jerks and power hungry idiots. It helps that I have friends who are cops, and friends who want to become cops (I know their hearts and their commitment to God first)…but still, when things like this happen, I revert to my disgust of their pettiness. In my fifteen years of driving, I’ve been pulled over three times up until 2003. Since I’ve gotten out of prison in 2006, I’ve been pulled over at least a dozen times for innocuous things. Never for speeding. Never for a flagrant violation.

Yes, I have a chip on my shoulder, and I’m working to smooth it out. It’s not ok for me to think this way about cops.

Are there things that you’ve done in the past that have haunted you years later? Do they have a way of coming back to condemn you time and time again? How does that shape the way you perceive the world around you? How do you treat others as a result of what has happened to you? Remember that if you are repentant, God has forgiven you, and that condemnation is not from God – that’s from the Adversary.

a ‘dear john’ text

Posted: June 25, 2009 in Anger, Relationships
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Have you ever woken up  from a dream that seemed so real, you woke up in a state of panic, taking a few seconds to process whether or not it was a dream or reality?

It’s taken me a month and 10 days to put this down on “paper”. Writing it down somehow makes things more real, and I’ve been doing everything in my power to make the past 5 weeks anything but real. It’s felt more like a Salvadore Dali interpretation of life rather than reality, and I feel as though I’ve just woken up from my slumber, and I’m just now trying to get my bearings on what just happened.

On May 16th, I got a text message that at first glance, seemed a bit juvenile. MPF (my pre-fiance) and I had just gotten into a fight. It really wasn’t any different than the few other noteworthy fights that we’ve had over the past year and a half. It was definitely more intense than the usual irritations or rolled eyes moments, but it was nothing “new” in terms of content.

She was upset that I seemed irritated throughout the day. I was irritated that she was so affected by my irritation. I was thinking to myself, ‘toughen up for goodness sake!’ Then it happened. Then I decided to make the cardinal mistake of ‘talking things out’. We were soon engrossed in deeper discussions of the root of those issues. Before we knew it, we were in a full blown “conflict”. I say conflict because I’ve been in “fights”, and this was no fight. There were no raised voices (my opinion), there were no flying objects or slammed doors (yet), and there were no bleeping monitors going off. Just a good old fashioned difference of opinion, expression of annoyances, and attempt at forgiveness and moving on without making a mountain out of a mole hill. It was a controlled “christian” fight (or that’s how I think of it anyway).

Next thing I know, she’s getting up from the couch in tears and bee-lining for the door. “Oh, it’s ok for you to walk out, but not me?” Now I was being a jerk – and I knew it. Up until now,  I had been controlled, I hadn’t said anything that I would regret. But since she had already accused me of being rude (when I wasn’t), and of talking to her worse than any other person in her entire life, I figured, well, I might as well play the part. “I swear to God, if you walk out that door…” I said. I didn’t need to finish my sentence – she knew what that meant.

She walked out the door.

There are other details of course…like the fact that I was crying like a baby earlier on in our “conflict”, pouring out my heart to her. I was met with a dry eyed, irritated look. Actually, no – it was worse; it was a calloused, emotionless, empty look. That hurt a lot. Then there’s the other “detail”. Two minutes after having walked out of my condo, I threw her wallet out the door. She had called me from outside the building moments after she walked out. I thought she was calling to let me know she had come to her senses and that she was sorry. (nope)

I know. That was an ugly Nate moment. I tried numerous times to call her on her ride home to apologize – but she wouldn’t pick up. I finally had to resort to leaving an apology message. I HATE that. Within 24 hours I received a text message:

Hey.  I appreciate your apology last night.  I have been thinking and believe that we should break up.  I am not ok with a lot of things and think that this is best.  I love you and am deeply saddened by this but believe its the right thing.

My brain was spinning. Did I really read this correctly? Did I actually get a text message breaking up with me from someone that I dated for a year and half? This is how a relationship ends after all the I love you’s and the you’re amazing’s and the seriously, I’m so happy that God brought us together’s? Talk about a load of crap. How can I ever believe someone if they say those things to me in the future?

June 9th, approximately 3.5 weeks after the dear john text, I entered my angry phase. That’s Stage 2 of 5 for stages of grief. How annoying. I realized I was only 20% into my grieving cycle…

So where does anger fall into all of this? If someone hurts you (perhaps even undeserved), what are we called to do with that anger? Is it even wrong to experience anger at all?