Archive for the ‘epiphanies’ Category

What happens in Peru, should NOT stay in Peru

Posted: August 2, 2010 in A Proverb, epiphanies
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Everyone’s question when you come back from a missions trip is,

So? How was it?

And every time I get asked that question (every year), I never know quite what to say. Of course its ‘amazing’ and ‘incredible’ and ‘memorable’…but those are the expected responses, and I somehow feel disappointed when the words that come out of my mouth don’t come close to measuring up to the experience. I’ve learned that it’s more about ‘how you say it’ than ‘what you say’ that tells the story of the truly exceptional nature of the missions trip. And to me, the ‘how’ should be more than just an intonation and enthusiasm in one’s voice. The ‘how’ should be evident in the fruit of that person’s life from that point forward. The question “how was it?” should be answered by the evidence of my life after coming back from a missions trip. And the question I have to ask myself is: Am I changed?

Peru Elevar 2010 (this year’s missions trip name) was another unique experience for me, and was an appropriate theme for me as well. I was hoping to be elevated to a new level in my walk and I went in with a high sense of expectancy that God was going to do something great there – I just didn’t know what it would look like.

You see, this was the 3rd year that I’ve gone; so the charm, excitement, newness, and shock factor weren’t a part of my experience this year. Did we do different things? Yes. Did we visit different places? Yes. Did we go with different people. Yes. But the experience was totally different. In fact, it was more challenging than I ever expected. Let me explain.

Kids gathered as we unloaded the bus to go build an addition to a local home.

After a long day of painting, praying, cleaning, building, playing with children, cooking, or fixing leaky roofs or broken beds, we met as a group to debrief and share the ‘moments’ of our day. And every night, I stared at the carpet in front of me as, one by one, our team members shared with reckless abandon the impact that day’s events had on them.

One night, as I listened to the stories, I kept hearing voices in my head saying, “what’s wrong with you? Why are you so unaffected by what you see?” “Your heart is calloused” “You should have never come” “God isn’t speaking to you” “You’re being ineffective here”. And the more I heard those voices, the more I began to believe it. Ironically, although I was thousands of miles from home to serve God, I felt thousands of miles away from Him as well. Me being there did nothing to close the gap. In fact, it felt like He was even further away. I just wanted to be with Him. I wanted to hear His voice.

So after the meeting, I quietly went to my room without telling anyone, and I locked the door behind me. I opened my bible to read one of the theme verses for the week:

A wasteland, parched with thirst (Huaycan - Lima, Peru)

17 “The poor and needy search for water, but there is none; their tongues are parched with thirst. But I the LORD will answer them; I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them.

18 I will make rivers flow on barren heights, and springs within the valleys. I will turn the desert into pools of water, and the parched ground into springs.

19 I will put in the desert the cedar and the acacia, the myrtle and the olive. I will set pines in the wasteland, the fir and the cypress together,

20 so that people may see and know, may consider and understand, that the hand of the LORD has done this, that the Holy One of Israel has created it.

-Isaiah 41:17-20

And as I read it, I began crying as I called out to God in prayer for the next three hours. I felt just as barren and thirsty as the people of Peru that we were reaching. I wanted that promise to be true for me too. At one point, I went over to the desk in the room and began writing out my prayer in my journal.

I sat in the room during our debriefing feeling empty and sad. I had nothing to say. I had nothing to offer. I had no stories. I had nothing to share. I feel as though my heart has been hardened. Why doesn’t it break my heart to see these women and what they have gone through? What is wrong with me? What has happened to me?

God I haven’t heard your voice lately, and it saddens me not to hear from you. God, I know You are watching over my shoulders right now, reading these words, so please, dry these tears and hear my cry for You. I want to hear Your voice Lord. I miss You.

Lord, I want You to delight in me. I want to make You proud, Father. Padre, I’m here with my family of fellow believers, and I see their joy in serving You, and I know You are delighting in them, but I feel like an orphan child who’s not quite part of the family. Why? Why do I feel this way? God, is it something I’ve done? Is it something I haven’t done? What is keeping me from experiencing You the way that others are experiencing You?

Journal entry – Day 4 – July 12, 2010 – Monday night

By midnight, I felt much better. But the true refreshment came the next morning when I received an email from the Benz. There was no message. Just a verse. It read:

spreading my wings to soar like an eagle

27-31Why would you ever complain, O Jacob, or, whine, Israel, saying,
“God has lost track of me. He doesn’t care what happens to me”?

Don’t you know anything? Haven’t you been listening? God doesn’t come and go. God lasts. He’s Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn’t get tired out, doesn’t pause to catch his breath. And he knows everything, inside and out.

He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall.

But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, they run and don’t get tired, they walk and don’t lag behind.

-Isaiah 40:27-31 (The Message)

It was as if God was responding directly to my letter! It overwhelmed me with joy and refreshment, and became a turning point for me in the trip.

I didn’t need to go to Peru to learn that lesson. It wasn’t something that could only happen in Peru. But I believe that God brought me all that way in order to teach me the value of pressing into Him when I’m feeling thirsty. We get caught up ‘doing’ things for Him, but we often forget that God wants, more than anything else, to spend quality time with us. When you are doing all the right things, making all the right decisions…praying, fasting, and serving Him…what do you do when you don’t hear from God?

Press in further. Call out louder. Then wait and listen.

He’ll respond and refresh you.

Take a journey with me through this photo album in Lima, Peru (Click here for photo slideshow)

-Nathan Fitzgerald

Being thrown in the Lion’s Den

Posted: June 21, 2010 in Anger, epiphanies, Life Happens
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I woke up on Sunday morning (May 23rd) to the sound of my door buzzer at 8am. It was one of the Sheriffs from the Frederick County Police Department. Ever since I spoke rudely to him about a year ago for banging on my door at 6:30am, I’ve worked hard to be as polite as possible with him. After all, he was just the messenger. I’m sure he’s not a bad guy. He just needed to comply with his requirements to check and see if I still lived at my current address. But the thing I’ve noticed is that he’s been showing up more frequently this past year. Way more than he ever did back in 2006 when I got out of prison. Four years later, and the intensity has only increased.

Leonidas, King of Sparta, kills the Persian messenger out of anger

I said a quick prayer after answering the buzzer, and then fell back asleep. I wasn’t going to let this ruin my day.

When I came back from church that afternoon, I checked my mail. It had been a couple of days since I had checked last. When I opened up the mailbox, there was a single letter propped up diagonally, waiting to be picked. It was plump, and didn’t feel like a bill.

I didn’t recognize the return address, but in red lettering it marked:

URGENT: New law affects YOU!

Immediately my heart started to race. I double checked the return address to see if it was from the police department. It wasn’t.

I wedged my finger between the fold and aggressively opened the letter, intently reading the document as I blindly walked up the three flights of stairs. The first paragraph opened with,

On May 5, Governor O’Malley signed legislation into law that will drastically impact your life. The law takes effect on October 1, 2010. We summarize the worst aspects of the new law below.

I felt light-headed as I pressed on, debating whether or not I could even bare to even keep reading. I’m not sure what I was feeling at the moment. Angry, desolate, hopeless, condemned, depressed, hatred, scared…they all took turns playing imaginary conversations in my head. I couldn’t decide whose voice I sided with more.

It took me three or four times to read through the eight page letter just to make sure I didn’t miss a beat. I kept hoping I would find a clause in there that absolved me in some way. I never found it. What I did find, however, was plenty of reform that did in fact affect me.

  1. Registering multiple addresses: As of October 1, I will have to notify each local law enforcement unit where I “habitually live”. My current address is already registered with the police, but now, I am required to report (in writing or in person) any address where I “sleep or visit with any regularity, for longer than 5 hours per visit, more than 5 times within a 30-day period”. So sleepovers at friends and family’s houses will now count as a residence for me, which means that THEIR HOUSE will now be on the registry as well. Oh, and since I spend plenty of time at church these days, I’ll have to report that as an address of residence as well.
  2. Travel Restrictions: In addition, I’ll have to provide a travel itinerary, which looks like I will be criminalized for any unanticipated absence from home caused by an emergency. In addition, I will be prohibited from taking a cross-country trip by motor vehicle unless all lodging and travel accommodations are planned in advance, and the details provided to authorities.
  3. Perhaps the most notable is the new classification system: Under the new guidelines, my offense, which is currently a Tier I offense (least severe offense), will be reclassified to a Tier II offense. What that means is that instead of being on the sex offender registry for 10 years (I currently have 6 years to go), I’ll now be required to register every 6 months for a total of 25 yrs (until I’m 53 yrs old). So my mug shot, full name, date of birth, address, contact information, etc. will be plastered on the internet until I’m in my 50’s, with nothing more than the description of my charge (that will have taken place over 29 yrs prior).

Apparently, there were 84 bills in all that targeted sex offenders this past January, and although many of them were stopped, most of them were not.

Needless to say, I sat on my couch with tears streaming down my face for the rest of the day. I literally felt nauseous at the thought that I would be on stricter provisions than when I was on probation for a period of three years after being released from prison. I was just starting to feel like this part of my life was behind me. Instead, the “Adversary” (or Satan) had been working behind the scenes to sabotage my hope and joy, quickly pushing me back into my prison cell of condemnation.

I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to disappear. No one understood how hopeless I felt. Not even my closest friends or even my sister. What was the point in reform? What was the point in following Christ and living for Him if there was nothing to gain?

I didn’t really believe that those things were pointless of course, but admittedly those thoughts ran through my head, and I cried out to God while on my hands and knees, begging for Him to save me from my own self-destruction. I was reaching my breaking point.

The next morning, I literally yelled at myself to get out of bed. I’m not one to talk to myself like some crazy person, but I just didn’t care anymore. I wasn’t going to lose this battle, not without a fight.

I made my way to the living room couch to have my daily time with God. My eyes were still puffy from the day before and I didn’t feel like reading the bible, but I knew I had to. I didn’t want to be a hypocrite since I’m always telling my Lifegroup to “press on and be disciplined in reading your bible even when you don’t feel like it”. I’m glad I’ve been telling them this for the past year…because it reminded me that I needed to heed my own advice.

I had been reading the book of Daniel for the past week, and that morning, I had come across Chapter 6 – Daniel in the Lion’s Den. And even though I knew the story well enough to recite it to someone who wasn’t familiar, I had no idea what God was about to reveal to me. I would encourage you to read it in full.

There were several things that jumped out to me, and I broke down with tears of joy as I read it. This was a message for ME. God was speaking to me through this passage, and it was no coincidence that I was reading it for perhaps the first time in my life. I had always heard the story told, but never read it for myself. Here’s what I learned:

  1. Politics and power corrupt officials and laws: Daniel had found favor with God, and as a result, he started from the bottom of society as a slave, to the second most powerful man over a kingdom. Jealous of his power and position, governmental authorities plotted against him and influenced laws that they knew would affect righteous people like Daniel. (see Daniel 6:1-9) How did this speak to me? Political figures are often corrupted by their desire for power. As a result, they will occasionally create laws that are not in the best interests of the general public, but are rather suited to serve their own agendas. Don’t get me wrong, who wants sexual predators unmonitored on the streets right? However, the reality is that these increasingly harsher laws are doing nothing to solve the problem. The fact is that it’s not quite as rampant a problem as the media would make it out to believe. (see my post: Seat’s Taken for stats on sex offender recidivism)
  2. Good people in authority can make unwise decisions: The King trusted his advisers, so when they advised him to put a law into effect, he blindly trusted their authority without paying much attention to the implications of the new law. If he had he taken the time to think it through, he likely would not have followed through on creating such a destructive law because it would have affected his most trusted adviser and friend. (Daniel 6:9, 14)
  3. Laws can be easily created, but are often very hard to eradicate: It’s interesting to note that even though the king had the authority to make a law in this society, he did not have the authority to ignore it. (see Daniel 6:8,14-15) Similarly, in our society, it’s relatively easy to create a new law, but very difficult to get rid of existing laws. Instead, these laws will simply become dormant and overlooked, but they are still there for prosecution if someone decides to follow the letter of the law. Chances are, you have broken dozens of laws and weren’t even aware of it.The laws have been established…often by misguided individuals. These laws often do not consider the far reaching implications and ramifications – nor do many people care. And in some cases, there are political pundits that are simply looking to take an aggressive stand on an issue that they know will win popularity. They are not seeking to put these laws in effect for any other reason than their own political careers. Similarly, “the royal administrators, prefects, satraps, advisers and governors have all agreed that the king should issue an edict and enforce the decree” (verse 7) because they were jealous of Daniel’s power and influence. So they set out to bring him down in order for their own gain.
  4. If God saved Daniel from being eaten by lions, he can save me: although my situation may feel hopeless, cumbersome, punitive, and unjust, God can certainly save me from a life robbed of joy and peace. Daniel didn’t stop worshiping God despite the consequences, and he certainly didn’t deserve the punishment given him. But God loves his children and He will protect them from injustice if it will lead to his glorification. (Daniel 6:22-23)
  5. The bigger the test, the bigger the testimony: If Daniel, a righteous man that was loved by the king, did not get unjustly accused of a crime, then he would never have been thrown in the lions den. More importantly, this test was a greater opportunity for God to show his power and character. Even though the king didn’t believe in Daniel’s God before this trial, he did become a believer after the trial, and as a result, he made Daniel’s God known to all of his kingdom and other nations (Daniel 6:25-27). God turned a terrible tragedy into an amazing story. It wouldn’t have had the same effect if Daniel was thrown into cage of harmless house kittens. What’s the miracle and power in that?

When we cry out to God and share with Him our pains, He hears us. As a caring father, he cares about the pains we go through and won’t allow us to go through trials without a purpose. I LOVE how He spoke to me through this Word. I don’t know if you can see how God spoke to me through this Word or not, but for me, it was another example of His love, grace, mercy, and His living power. I am continually reminded of the promise of Romans 8:28 that states that “all things work together for the good of those who love Him”, but here’s another promise that He has given me:

Because you got a double dose of trouble and more than your share of contempt, Your inheritance in the land will be doubled and your joy go on forever. (Isaiah 61:7, The Message)

So I say BRING IT Satan! The more you bring, the more I will inherit!

You said let it go…

Posted: April 8, 2010 in epiphanies, Relationships, Trust
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The first time I decided to take a big leap of faith for God, I was living off of my credit card and living at home – as a 28 yr old. I had just gotten out of prison, and I had no prospects. Where was I going to work? What company was going to take me? I was such a loser.

Then, an opportunity fell into my lap. It was risky, and it by no means was a sure thing, but what did I have to lose at that point, right? So I became a “headhunter” or a “recruiter” for the retail industry. What did I know about recruiting for retail management positions? NOTHING. I didn’t even have a computer or a phone at that point.

Did I mention it was a 100% commission job?

I started hitting the phones in August, made my first “placement” in October, and didn’t receive my first commission check until January of 2007. I made three placements in October ’06 that netted me a check of just over $9,600 (hardly enough to survive for 6 months).

Ironically, it was right around that time that I began learning about tithing. Of course, as someone who had grown up going to church, I knew what “tithing” was, but I had never actually done anything with that knowledge. It just wasn’t practical. But the Holy Spirit was convicting me. I couldn’t escape those convicting thoughts telling me that I needed to tithe on the paycheck that I had just received.

I ran the numbers over and over again, and every time I ran it, I always came up negative. I simply could not afford to give God that first 10%. After all, I had taxes to take out, expenses to cover, and bills to pay. Surely, God wouldn’t expect me to give Him $960 that I didn’t have.

But the Holy Spirit kept convicting me – I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

So I set aside the money and put it in a separate bank account to be disbursed to my church once I figured out where and how I needed to send it. I decided to take that leap of faith and to obey, and I knew that God would honor that.

Every week, I went to church, and the offering plate crossed my path, and every week, I forgot to bring my check book. Consequently, that money sat in my bank account for nearly 2 months. One day, it finally dawned on me that even though I had made the decision to obey, and even though I had taken actions towards obedience, I had still not followed through completely. Once I came to that realization, I began to find all sorts of reasons (excuses) for why I couldn’t send that money. Bills were mounting, placements weren’t happening, and my faith was dwindling. But I knew what I had to do.

I had to let it go…

I went online one morning after prayer, asking God for the strength to follow through in obedience and let go of that money. Then, I went online, and made a contribution for the amount I had been holding. I exhaled deeply as I pressed send on my screen. This story had an amazing outcome by the way. Within 2 days of having followed through with that decision, I received a check in the mail that was within $20 of what I had tithed. Apparently, there had been an accounting error, and money was owed to me. Coincidence?

The reason I bring this story up is because I have recently found myself in a similar position. Some of you know that I have broken up with The Benz in February, and similar to my first tithing experience, it was a HUGE leap of faith. In fact, I would venture to say that this was (and is) the most confusing decision I have ever had to make in my life. It’s not like it made sense to break up with her. We weren’t fighting, we weren’t unhappy, she wasn’t in a bad place spiritually, and neither was I. In fact, it was quite the opposite. We had reached a break through, and I saw, more than ever, that this was a woman I wanted to marry. I was in awe of her growth and her desire to know our God. I was excited to see how God was speaking in our lives, and how He was the center of our relationship. But in early January, for some reason, I lost the Peace of God in our relationship, and nearly two months later, I had to make the hard decision to step out in faith and…

let it go…

You might be thinking,

but Nate, you broke up with her – you DID let her go.

And that’s what I had thought as well…but the more I thought about it, the more I realized I was still holding her in a “separate account”, not quite willing to let her go all the way.

You see, the night I broke up with her, I lent her my car, and I told her that she could use it for as long as she needed to use it. My motivations or intentions were pure, but over time, they became a weight in my ability to let her go. I’ve since then come to learn that she hasn’t been using the car and that she was able to resolve her car “issues”; but despite that knowledge, I have not been eager to collect the keys because that would be giving her the impression that I’m closing the door once and for all.

So today, I’m getting together to talk with her and will be “sending my check” so to speak, and I’ll…

let her go

In Lifegroup last night, I asked for prayer to “let go and let God”. This morning, Lauren from my Lifegroup forwarded me this song that she heard on her way to work:

Let It Go

(lyrics by Tenth Avenue North)

I’ve been holding on so tight
Look at these knuckles
They’ve gone white
I’m fighting for who I wanna be
I’m just trying to find security

But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it’s then I’ll find my soul
You say let it go.

Well it’s hard enough to hear
Harder still, to move beyond this fear
We know there’s nothing I can bring,
So tell me what do you want from me?

But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it’s then I’ll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go

What do I love?
What do I hate?
What will I lose?
What will I gain?
How do I save my soul?
What if I bend?
What if I break?
What will it cost?
What will it take?
For you to save my soul.

You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it’s then I’ll find my soul

You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it’s then I’ll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go

So much trash

Posted: November 11, 2009 in epiphanies, Life Happens
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I’m a neat freak. I like things orderly. And if you’ve been reading this blog (or know me personally), you’ll know that I like Excel Spreadsheets (Post: Don’t Calculate without God).

So how is it that someone like me could have SO MUCH TRASH in my condo? That’s one of the benefits to dating someone who is also a neat freak. They not only spot the trash in your life a mile away, they actually do something about it.

Over the course of the past few months, the geeky side of me has been able to blossom, and I feel a bit like Will Ferrell on Old School:

Will Ferrell’s character: I got a big day tomorrow. You guys have a great time.

College Student: A big day? Doing what?

Will Ferrell’s character: Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday, we’re going to go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath, & Beyond, I don’t know, I don’t know if we’ll have enough time.

You see, I identify with those remarks. But the thing is, I actually ENJOY it. The Benz and I actually enjoy staying in on a Friday night to paint my hallway doors, or put up some frames or ceiling lamps from IKEA.

We even made an event out of it. Did you know that IKEA has food? And it’s good too! AND it’s cheap! This weekend, they had a special on their meatball dinner. It included about a dozen meatballs, lumpy mashed potatoes, and some cranberry sauce for $.99! Yes folks, for less than a dollar, you could eat well! And they make it so fun! You can cart around your food on a cool shopping cart.

IKEA food extravaganza

But I digress. The point is, there aren’t many couples that could say they enjoy cleaning as a “date night”.

But it hasn’t been all fun and games. We’ve revisited the kitchen about 5 different times now. Cabinet by cabinet, we’ve emptied it out, trashed tons of items, Lysol’d, and reorganized every single item in my kitchen. Well, to be more accurate, she’s done most of that for me. I’ve been playing a management role and watching her do it, nodding my head up and down (or side to side) giving her endless excuses for why I need a plate from when I was a child, or flower styrofoam plates from 1996, or receipts of groceries from 5 years ago. You see, I am a pack rat (or so she claims). She clearly doesn’t know what she’s talking about.

And believe it or not, it’s a painful process. It’s hard to let things go. We’ve gotten into fights over it because I get too sensitive about feeling attacked for my possessions and lifestyle.

You wouldn’t believe the amount of trash that’s come out of that house. (And it’s still happening). We’ve taken out about 15-20 large trash bags of ‘stuff’ to take to the dumpster – I kid you NOT. And that’s just the kitchen cabinets. One room at a time, we’re doing a CLEAN SWEEP (one of my favorite HGTV Do-It-Yourself shows) of my entire place.

But what I would like to know is, how does a clean, neat freak, Excel spreadsheet kind of guy accrue so much junk in one place in such a short lifetime?

It’s made me think about our lives, and how we carry so much trash along the way. We don’t even realize how dusty and cramped our lives have become with excess junk. They often hide in cabinets and closets in the form of friends that we can’t let go of or habits like watching certain TV shows or movies. Sometimes they are more elusive, like holding on to attitudes of ‘complaint’, ‘gossip’, or ‘bitterness’ towards people in general. The point is, if you don’t take the time to examine your house, you won’t even realize all the junk that is being stored up.

And you wonder why you don’t have room. You’re missing out on all the good stuff you could replace the junk with.

Having the Benz in my life has been a blessing. Sometimes it takes someone else to see your house from a fresh perspective in order for you to look at places and things that you would otherwise overlook or avoid. Who’s in your life that can help you get rid of so much trash?

Second Chances

Posted: October 28, 2009 in epiphanies, Life Happens, Relationships, Trust, What would Jesus do?
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God-of-second-chances

I wonder what this guy’s story is. Is he just some random person who thought this was a cool quote? Does he make it a habit of carrying around his camera while he’s riding his motorcycle and just pull over along the side of the road, having his photo taken by these signs? Or is there significance to him being in the picture? Why is he holding his helmet? Did he stare death in the face and escape an accident that could have cost him his life? Did God give him a second chance?

I couldn’t help but think about my own experience. I didn’t stare death in the face…not the way this guy might have, but I did wish for a second chance once.

If only she knew how sorry I was, then she would be able to forgive me. If only she understood the pain I had on my heart, I know she could work past the fact that I cheated on her. I just needed her to be in my shoes, to be in my head…then she could know that I would never do such a thing ever again. There IS such a thing as making a mistake and learning from it. It was just the one time.

Why wouldn’t she believe me? Why wouldn’t she forgive me? Why wouldn’t she give me a second chance?

I fell into a deep depression coma once I was arrested that fateful June day. I’m pretty sure I cried every single day, several hours a day, for the next two weeks as I wasted away in that Jail cell in Wyoming. I literally couldn’t eat for days. I had never cared so little about eating in my life. In fact, I would have welcomed death at that point…and I would have welcomed death for the next year of my life. Maybe even two. Just ask my family.

Once I was released from jail and on bond, I remember driving the streets at night and being hypnotized by the methodical street lights as I passed them by, thinking to myself, fantasizing to myself, hoping that a drunk driver would appear and swerve into my lane and kill me instantly in a head on collision. I used to come up with elaborate movie scene worthy scenarios of cars crashing and flipping as I tumbled to my death, putting me out of my misery. Life just simply wasn’t worth living if I couldn’t be with Michaela.

There was no excuse for my actions. I knew that. I did the unthinkable. I did one of the most hurtful things anybody could ever do to their lover. I cheated. And to really make it a hard pill to swallow, I was arrested for attempting to do it with a minor – a minor that was the same age as her kid sister. Who does that? Who could be so sick and twisted and…

I hated myself for a very long time. I wondered the same things about myself that she did.

She tried to make it work. She didn’t officially break up with me for another four or five months. That was when she finally called it quits. She just couldn’t get past it. There was too much doubt. Too much pain. Too much hurt. Too much deceit. Even if it was just one lie, it was one lie too many. One lie caused her to question our whole relationship. It caused her to question my whole character. I had destroyed the trust between us, and nothing that came out of my mouth could ever be believed again…at least not by her. It was crazy how one act, one single moment in time could destroy two and half years of character building proof. Just one mistake.

I understood it though. I deserved it. I made my bed, and now I had to lie in it. This was the beginning of one of the toughest lessons I have ever had to learn – there are consequences for our actions, and sometimes those consequences change the picture completely…forever.

But from where I was standing, the perspective was so different. I knew I would never hurt her like that again. My eyes had been opened. I now knew that I was capable of being a destroyer, of being a monster, and I was committed to never letting that happen again. All I wanted was a second chance. All I wanted was for her to forgive me…to truly forgive me, and to pretend like it had never happened. I just wanted her to see how much I could love her, how much I could right the wrong that I did, to prove to her through my actions that if she would give me that chance, she would never regret it for the rest of her life.

But I never got that second chance. Those were reserved for fairy tales and cheesy romantic comedies and dramas, but that wasn’t real life. That wasn’t my reality.

I wouldn’t change the course of events now that I’m removed from it and six years have passed. I now see how God turned the ugliest thing in my life and turned it into something good, and there’s something beautiful about His work when He does that. He surprises us by creating a masterpiece when we hand Him the paintbrush and allow Him to finish the disaster that we started.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. – Romans 8:28

With that said, sometimes I wonder what would have happened if she had given me a second chance.

A Fresh Pot of Coffee

Posted: September 4, 2009 in Bible Study, epiphanies
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Looks good right? You just going to let it sit there?

Looks good right? You just going to let it sit there?

I didn’t have much time for a QT (quiet time) yesterday morning. In fact, I had exactly 7 minutes to pray, read scripture, get through reading a devotion, and allow those thoughts to simmer in my mind. NOT ENOUGH TIME.

I went over 7 minutes. In fact, I didn’t get to work when I wanted to. I did my QT in 15 minutes. Still not enough time…(That’s a whole other topic and worthy of discussion) BUT, God did tell me something that morning.

In 2 Samuel 23:16, David pours out some water that he was craving. It had been given to him by fearless men who put their lives at risk just to give him a drink. Why would he do that? He wanted it so badly that his men were willing to put their lives at risk to give him what he wanted. Why, after all of that, would he just pour it out onto the dry, sandy ground? WHY?

16 So the three mighty men broke through the Philistine lines, drew water from the well near the gate of Bethlehem and carried it back to David. But he refused to drink it; instead, he poured it out before the LORD. – 2 Samuel 23:16

The Message version translates it as follows:
But David wouldn’t drink it; he poured it out as an offering to God, saying, “There is no way, God, that I’ll drink this! This isn’t mere water, it’s their life-blood—they risked their very lives to bring it!” So David refused to drink it.

King David wanted that water so badly. He was thirsty. He had asked for it. And now he had it. It had been given to him as a gift – and great sacrifice had been made to give it to him. And now he pours it out “before the LORD”? He was obviously making a statement.

An interesting question was raised by Oswald Chambers in my devotion this morning.

“What has been like water from the well of Bethlehem to you recently – love, friendship, spiritual blessing?

I thought about that question for a good minute, and the big blessing that came to the forefront of my mind was my relationship with The Benz. And I had to ask myself…why don’t I identify with David?

The answer: I’ve been satisfying myself through this relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it’s wrong to enjoy the things that God has given us as blessings…but we must not hoard them for ourselves. Why?

If you have become bitter and sour, it is because when God gave you a blessing you clutched it for yourself…If you are always taking blessings to yourself and never learn to pour out anything unto the Lord, other people do not get their horizon enlarged through you. – Oswald Chambers – My Utmost For His Highest (September 3)

I knew in that moment what I had to do. It’s ok that the Benz and I are loving the time we spend together – in fact, it’s a beautiful thing. But if all we do is keep our blessings to ourselves, how can we expect God to keep pouring into us?

Think of it this way – Have you ever had a full cup of coffee sitting in a room for a week or two? No, of course not right? Who would do such a thing? I’ll tell you who…my sister. Anyway, do you know what happened to that coffee after that length of time? It became cold, bitter, and moldy! I wish I had a picture of what it looked like, but the way she described it was disgusting! But when she first had that cup of coffee, it was a wonderful thing. It was filled with warmth, flavor, and energy.

Is this what you have to offer?

Is this what you have to offer?

Now picture yourself as a coffee pot. From time to time, God will fill you up to the brim with His blessings. We should drink it, savor it, and even share it with others who are craving that ‘coffee’, right? As we pour into others, what happens? Our coffee pot becomes empty, right? That allows God to pour more into us and “make more coffee”. But if we just sit here idle, just enjoying the fact that we have a full pot of coffee (life of blessing), what will happen? It will be wasted, and no one will benefit. Furthermore, we’re not even in a position for God to pour more into us because we have hoarded it for ourselves.

So I’ve decided that the Benz and I need to serve together. I’m not sure yet what specifically we will be doing, but I do know one thing…I don’t want to become bitter, old, moldy coffee. I want to constantly be brewing a fresh pot of blessings from God!

What blessings are you keeping to yourself? What happened to those blessings when you just hoarded them?

What would you do with an Ipod Touch?

Posted: August 7, 2009 in epiphanies
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ipod_touchIt was the end of the trip, and Julio and I were sitting next to each other on the bus, coming back from the airport. We were on our journey back to our reality. We had just flown back from Iquitos to Lima, and we were making our way back to the hotel, getting ready for our final meal. Julio turned to me after a lull of silent reflection and asked, “Have you thought much about [MPF] this trip?”

I didn’t turn to him right away. I had to take a second to think about it. I wanted to give an honest answer. “Not really” I answered. “Huh…I hadn’t really thought of that, but no, I haven’t really thought of her this trip”. To be honest, that surprised me. How could someone who had been such an integral part of my life for the past two years escape my mind? Last year, this time, I had been thinking about her every day that I was away. I couldn’t wait to come home to share with her all that I had experienced in Peru. But this year, life was different. I was different.

My answer seemed to sadden him. He looked down at the seat in front of us as he spoke. “I don’t know man. I just get sad when I think about you two. I just don’t get it. I just don’t understand why she doesn’t see what I see.”

Julio went on with a somber tone. I could see that he was somewhere else now. He was back in Iquitos with those families and children. I had seen that look before just a day ago. We were taking a break from building a house, or a shack, depending on who was looking. He was sharing with me his interaction with the kids, and the shear joy that they seemed to possess despite the abysmal conditions they were living in. They were running around barefoot, stepping in deep mud – the kind of mud you lose your shoe in if you haven’t tied your laces very tight. They were so eager to help; carrying boards on their heads as they navigated the swamp like fields. Running around with all sorts of energy because we were there to make a difference in their lives – or maybe they were just being kids.

Even with a tarp, the roof was allowing in too much rain

Even with a tarp, the roof was allowing in too much rain

Demolition began. There was to be nothing left of the original structure.

Demolition began. There was to be nothing left of the original structure.

Trash was buried into the mud floor. We did our best to dig it out, then we leveled the floor as best as we could.

Trash was buried into the mud floor. We did our best to dig it out, then we leveled the floor as best as we could.

We hauled in the wood on our shoulders.

We hauled in the wood on our shoulders.

Even neighboring children helped out.

Even neighboring children helped out.

And the building began.

And the building began.

“It breaks my heart man” he said. “I can’t believe how bad it is here. I didn’t think it would be like this. I’m from El Salvador, so I honestly thought I had seen it all. I wasn’t expecting to see anything that I hadn’t seen already. But this…this is worse than I ever imagined. This…” He couldn’t finish his sentence. He looked away from me. The tears were welling up in his eyes. Then he turned around and walked around the wall of a structure that we were building. He didn’t want anybody to see him cry.

“It’s like this…” he said. I could see that Julio was back now. We were back on the bus in Lima. “When we were building the houses in Iquitos, and as I was talking with the kids, I just wanted so bad to do something for them. I just wanted to give them something. Anything. You know I love my Ipod touch. But I had even thought about giving them my Ipod. Seriously. I just wanted to give them something. But then I thought about it. What are they going to do with an Ipod touch? They’re not going to be able to make updates to it. They’re not going to even know all the things this thing can do. This Ipod is so cool man. It can tell time from anywhere in the world. You can play games on it. You can store photos on it. You can watch videos on it. There are so many things that I don’t even know all the things it can do.”

As I listened to Julio, I thought to myself, do they even have electricity to keep it charged? And with all the filth – the rain, the mud, the dirt – would they be able to keep it from getting destroyed? I had destroyed an Ipod once because I got caught in a rain storm.

Julio continued. “The thing is, as I was thinking about giving them my Ipod, I realized that they would never fully appreciate all the wonderful things it had to offer. That’s what I feel about you man. You’ve got it all. You are this great guy who has so much to offer. I don’t know man, I just don’t think that [MPF] really knew what she had. And I can’t help but wonder if she’s going to realize that one day, and regret the decision that she made.”

I was stunned. Now I was the one who was fighting from tearing up. Now I was the one who wanted to hide behind a wall. It wasn’t as if I was hanging my head all week, trying to wrap my head around the breakup. It’s not like he was saying this to lift my spirits and make me feel better about myself. What touched me was his sincerity in what he was saying. He actually believed that I was an Ipod touch!

I don’t know why things worked the way they did. I don’t know why – not for sure anyway – why MPF and I didn’t work out. But Julio’s epiphany just kind of made sense to me. I know there are going to be people that will read this and think that I’m arrogant, conceited, and full of myself for thinking that Julio could be right; that I could actually be an Ipod Touch. I know I’m not that cool, but the reality is that I do feel as though I have value, and that I was unappreciated in that relationship, and maybe he was onto something. But the thing of it is, the children of Peru in that village aren’t less valuable because they can’t fully appreciate an Ipod, it just is what it is. There are gifts in this world that are more appreciated by some than by others. It doesn’t make someone better or worse than the next person. It just is.

Maybe those children would one day come to fully appreciate the value of that Ipod. But more than likely, they would not. But a new soccer ball, or a bag of candy, or a new house…that is a gift they could relate to and fully appreciate. So that’s what we gave them.

God knows what to give us. He knows what we will appreciate, and what we won’t. I believe that He gives us what we need, and that’s always much better than what we think we need.

building the house 2

The inside of their new house. A solid roof to keep out the rain.

The inside of their new house. A solid roof to keep out the rain.

The family who's house we built in one day.

The family who's house we built in one day.

Our team that tore down and built a house in a day.

Our team that tore down and built a house in a day.

We had plans

Posted: August 1, 2009 in epiphanies, Life Happens
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We had plans.

Our missions trip to Peru was based on the notion that we would be digging wells for a community that needed access to cleaner water. What a cool thing to be doing. Meeting a need of the people, and showing God’s love by meeting that need. We even had cool T-shirts made that reflected our mission: H2O Axis Missions – Peru ’09

But that didn’t happen.

So we dealt with the change of plans and went with the flow of the circumstances; and we planned our next move. We ordered a box-load of lice shampoo as well as anti-parasite pills to hand out to a community in Iquitos. We split up into teams. One group to educate the people about the parasites found in the water and to administer the pills. Another group to shampoo the heads of the children. A group to entertain the children as they were waiting for the shampoo to work its magic. Yet another group to rinse the heads of the children after ten minutes. And then a group to comb the lice out of their tiny heads.

We were a well oiled machine.

These kids were adorable and still as water ran down their eyes and faces while we shampooed their tiny heads

These kids were adorable and still as water ran down their eyes and faces while we shampooed their tiny heads

I shampooed heads for at least four straight hours without a break. With five of us washing and working under the sun, we must’ve washed a minimum of 100 heads.

“Agachese”. I instructed the children as they straddled the mini chair in front of me. I was told that this meant “lower your head”. Whatever it was I said, they listened.  That was one thing that amazed me. It didn’t matter if they were two years old or if they were seventeen…they were all so obedient. It didn’t matter if they were a boy or a girl. They were obedient. It didn’t matter if they had ADD or if they were tired and hungry. They were obedient.

Peru Missions '09

Peru Missions '09 - rinsing

Peru Missions '09 - combing out lice

As the two of us sat there in silence while I washed their head (I don’t know any spanish), I thought to myself, why is it that a child who has lice in their hair, parasites in their body, bare feet, dirty and worn out clothes, and who knows what else…why is it that this child has such an obedient heart? What I came to realize was this: they have something that we as americans don’t have…they are poor. Yes, they are literally poor, but what I’m referring to is the fact that they are also poor in spirit. They are broken. But it’s that broken spirit that has them postured in such an obedient way (Psalm 51:17), and it’s that kind of obedience that will make them the inheritors of the earth.

You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.

Matthew 5:5 – The Message

But I digress.

We administered 173 anti-parasite pills that day. It’s not as though those pills saved their lives (although it could have helped their quality of life at least a little), but 87 people accepted Christ as their Lord and Savior that day. For those of us whose christianese radars just started beeping wildly, let me translate that – 87 people made the biggest and most life-changing decision of their lives that day! That’s crazy! That means that 1 in 2 people received what we had to say, and who’s to say that the rest of them won’t come into a relationship with Christ down the road? Again, here’s that obedient posture. They were receptive to God’s love.

This was big!

We had planned to do the same thing the next day. But the next morning, at 7:20am, while we were meeting to discuss the details of that day, our host leader got a phone call. There was a labor strike for transportation, which meant that we were stuck at the hotel. Our plans were foiled again.

In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.

Proverbs 16:9

We didn’t waste a minute. Within an hour, we had split up into three teams to perform a song, skit, and bible drama for the purpose of performing them in the main town square of Iquitos and evangelize. This was not in the playbook.

Talk about an uncomfortable and stretching exercise. THIS was not my thing. Service projects? Yes. My thing. Evangelizing? Not my thing. I could feel the cold sweats forming, the tightening of the stomach muscles, the fake smile, the look of despair.

It’s not about me. It’s not about me.

I kept repeating this to myself over and over again.

We performed four times that day. Three in the afternoon, and once at night. And each time, the crowds got bigger and bigger. We don’t know how many people we reached that day, but each member of that team can tell you a story about how a life was changed because of us being there.

Kids I played soccer with in the square

Kids I played soccer with in the square

We knew it then, but I see it even more clearly now, God had a perfect plan. He knew what was going to happen all along. It’s not that what we had planned was bad, but He had something better in store for us and for others. Satan may have tried to spoil our plans and throw us off course, but we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28).

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, 
neither are your ways my ways,” 
declares the LORD.

As the heavens are higher than the earth, 
so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8-9

Have you had plans in your life that were good plans? Plans that were glorifying to God and from everything that you could tell, were according to His purpose? What happened to those plans? How did you respond? Did you stay at the hotel and stew about how your plans were foiled? Or did you continue to keep the lines of communication open with God and look to do His will where you were?