Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

Can guys and girls just be “friends”?

Posted: August 28, 2010 in Relationships
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He loves her, she loves him NOT

For those of you who know me, you’ll know my thoughts on this subject, but I’m curious to know what the average person thinks of this question:

Can guys and girls just be friends?

Watch out for weeds

Posted: May 6, 2010 in Bible Study, Life Happens, Relationships
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Do you ever feel like your life is spinning out of control and God can’t get there quick enough to save the day? Ever wonder why God hasn’t shown up yet, or wonder if He is even planning to show up?

I’m starting to shift my thinking. That is how I used to feel but now I’m really beginning to appreciate how God works. His timing is perfect!

… If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed.
Habakkuk 2:3

GOD is so on point!

This week’s Lifegroup was a testament to that fact. It was a breakthrough night for the United Nations Frederick.

You see, for a while now, I’ve been feeling that we’ve reached a bit of a plateau, so I started taking a deeper look into our group. When I started doing that, I started sensing that we haven’t been paying much attention to our own “gardens” lately, but I didn’t know how to address that to the group. Do I tackle it head on? Do I run the risk of offending people by showing them what I see? Do I let it go and just hope the problems go away? I didn’t know what to do.

Then, God answered my prayer by speaking through pastor Dale’s message this past weekend. He talked about identifying weeds in our life that will ultimately choke out our plant from being fruitful (Mark 4:7). It was the confirmation I needed to move forward, and it gave me a framework to address this issue AGGRESSIVELY, just like we should be aggressive about pulling weeds from our gardens. I don’t believe it was a coincidence that the “Watch out for weeds” sermon came at the time that it did.

We were in desperate need of gardening.

God used Tuesday night to speak to us individually about the weeds in our lives. Here are the weeds that people identified:

  • Self-righteousness (“I have a hard time seeing other people’s point of view…”)
  • Self-centeredness (“I like to do things MY way…”)
  • Pride (“I’m not going to be the one to apologize…”)
  • Resentment (“I can’t believe they haven’t reached out. And why did they do that? And then…”)
  • Anger (“I’m not even going to listen to you anymore. In fact, I might just leave”)
  • Fear/worry (“It prevents me from doing things”)
  • Complacency (“I find myself saying I’m going to do it, but then it doesn’t get done”)
  • Stubborness (“I just can’t do that unless they meet me halfway”)
  • Busy-ness (“I find myself making excuses (even if they are legitimate) for not doing certain things”)
  • Gossip (“I find satisfaction in knowing that I have information other people don’t have”)
  • Lip service (“I call myself a christian, but then I curse a lot when I’m around my co-workers”)
  • Lust (“It’s a constant battle for me to keep my thoughts pure and to fight from feeding my eyes”)

Then we took that a step further, and we talked about the weeds that are growing in our “Lifegroup garden”. Has our Lifegroup (plant) been choking and has its ability to bear fruit been affected as a results of weeds that have been growing in our garden?

Our group was quick to identify a prevalent weed:

Cliques

It’s ironic, because this is the one “weed” that our group had prided ourselves on not having. What initially drew people to our group was our warmth, our openness, and our welcoming atmosphere. But somehow, over time, we have become a clique. Even within our own group, cliques have formed.

It just goes to show that in the same way that weeds grow fast in a real garden, and it’s a constant process of keeping your garden free of weeds, we must constantly assess our spiritual health by pulling weeds from our life, even if we think we don’t have them. We almost always do – sometimes even the same types of weeds we’ve pulled before.

It was an intense night for us all. We were all convicted on some level. But as we identified and confessed our weeds to each other, burdens were lifted, hearts were softened, and love prevailed. There is no doubt that God’s presence was felt that night.

Praise God for intervening and convicting us ALL and softening our hearts to hear His message.

Think your garden is weed free?

Think twice. Those things grow faster than you think…and they are more destructive than you could imagine. What weeds do you have in your life?

You said let it go…

Posted: April 8, 2010 in epiphanies, Relationships, Trust
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The first time I decided to take a big leap of faith for God, I was living off of my credit card and living at home – as a 28 yr old. I had just gotten out of prison, and I had no prospects. Where was I going to work? What company was going to take me? I was such a loser.

Then, an opportunity fell into my lap. It was risky, and it by no means was a sure thing, but what did I have to lose at that point, right? So I became a “headhunter” or a “recruiter” for the retail industry. What did I know about recruiting for retail management positions? NOTHING. I didn’t even have a computer or a phone at that point.

Did I mention it was a 100% commission job?

I started hitting the phones in August, made my first “placement” in October, and didn’t receive my first commission check until January of 2007. I made three placements in October ’06 that netted me a check of just over $9,600 (hardly enough to survive for 6 months).

Ironically, it was right around that time that I began learning about tithing. Of course, as someone who had grown up going to church, I knew what “tithing” was, but I had never actually done anything with that knowledge. It just wasn’t practical. But the Holy Spirit was convicting me. I couldn’t escape those convicting thoughts telling me that I needed to tithe on the paycheck that I had just received.

I ran the numbers over and over again, and every time I ran it, I always came up negative. I simply could not afford to give God that first 10%. After all, I had taxes to take out, expenses to cover, and bills to pay. Surely, God wouldn’t expect me to give Him $960 that I didn’t have.

But the Holy Spirit kept convicting me – I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

So I set aside the money and put it in a separate bank account to be disbursed to my church once I figured out where and how I needed to send it. I decided to take that leap of faith and to obey, and I knew that God would honor that.

Every week, I went to church, and the offering plate crossed my path, and every week, I forgot to bring my check book. Consequently, that money sat in my bank account for nearly 2 months. One day, it finally dawned on me that even though I had made the decision to obey, and even though I had taken actions towards obedience, I had still not followed through completely. Once I came to that realization, I began to find all sorts of reasons (excuses) for why I couldn’t send that money. Bills were mounting, placements weren’t happening, and my faith was dwindling. But I knew what I had to do.

I had to let it go…

I went online one morning after prayer, asking God for the strength to follow through in obedience and let go of that money. Then, I went online, and made a contribution for the amount I had been holding. I exhaled deeply as I pressed send on my screen. This story had an amazing outcome by the way. Within 2 days of having followed through with that decision, I received a check in the mail that was within $20 of what I had tithed. Apparently, there had been an accounting error, and money was owed to me. Coincidence?

The reason I bring this story up is because I have recently found myself in a similar position. Some of you know that I have broken up with The Benz in February, and similar to my first tithing experience, it was a HUGE leap of faith. In fact, I would venture to say that this was (and is) the most confusing decision I have ever had to make in my life. It’s not like it made sense to break up with her. We weren’t fighting, we weren’t unhappy, she wasn’t in a bad place spiritually, and neither was I. In fact, it was quite the opposite. We had reached a break through, and I saw, more than ever, that this was a woman I wanted to marry. I was in awe of her growth and her desire to know our God. I was excited to see how God was speaking in our lives, and how He was the center of our relationship. But in early January, for some reason, I lost the Peace of God in our relationship, and nearly two months later, I had to make the hard decision to step out in faith and…

let it go…

You might be thinking,

but Nate, you broke up with her – you DID let her go.

And that’s what I had thought as well…but the more I thought about it, the more I realized I was still holding her in a “separate account”, not quite willing to let her go all the way.

You see, the night I broke up with her, I lent her my car, and I told her that she could use it for as long as she needed to use it. My motivations or intentions were pure, but over time, they became a weight in my ability to let her go. I’ve since then come to learn that she hasn’t been using the car and that she was able to resolve her car “issues”; but despite that knowledge, I have not been eager to collect the keys because that would be giving her the impression that I’m closing the door once and for all.

So today, I’m getting together to talk with her and will be “sending my check” so to speak, and I’ll…

let her go

In Lifegroup last night, I asked for prayer to “let go and let God”. This morning, Lauren from my Lifegroup forwarded me this song that she heard on her way to work:

Let It Go

(lyrics by Tenth Avenue North)

I’ve been holding on so tight
Look at these knuckles
They’ve gone white
I’m fighting for who I wanna be
I’m just trying to find security

But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it’s then I’ll find my soul
You say let it go.

Well it’s hard enough to hear
Harder still, to move beyond this fear
We know there’s nothing I can bring,
So tell me what do you want from me?

But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it’s then I’ll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go

What do I love?
What do I hate?
What will I lose?
What will I gain?
How do I save my soul?
What if I bend?
What if I break?
What will it cost?
What will it take?
For you to save my soul.

You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it’s then I’ll find my soul

You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it’s then I’ll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go

Lifegroup Bible Study: HOW TO TAP INTO GOD’S PEACE

Posted: February 22, 2010 in Bible Study, Relationships, Trust
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Have you ever been in a state of panic?

I’m not talking about the type of panic that you experience when you’re trying to figure out what to wear on your date. I’m talking about true panic…the kind that literally paralyzes you (or causes you to behave in a way you’ve never behaved before). I’m talking about the kind of panic that has you staring at death (as you see it).

With that said, I’m going to be 32 yrs old this week, and I’m staring death in the face!

Ok, that’s being dramatic, and I’m totally kidding (about me staring death in the face), but I do recall a time several years ago where I literally thought I was going to die.

I was off the coast of Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, and had just jumped into the water with flippers, goggles, and snorkel gear in tact. My world was practically in mute, except for the deafening muffled sound of my suppressed breathing. I was Darth Vader. I had never snorkeled in my life, and here I was, abandoned by my friends and family and immersed in a foreign world.

To my right was the boat. Within ten feet of me was an idling propeller, keeping the boat from drifting into the cliff nearby. I kept envisioning getting sucked under the propeller and becoming bait. To my left was a coral cliff, with waves crashing into it like a round of punches from the Russian boxer, Ivan Drago in the movie Rocky IV. Beneath me was a world of creatures I’ve never met in person before. For all I knew, sharks and Piranhas were waiting for my tasty dangling feet (yes, I know that Piranhas are freshwater fish, but when you’re panicking, all logic is out the door). And then there was the plastic contraption in my mouth that was force feeding me filthy, feces infested salted water, taunting me with thoughts of death by drowning.

Did I mention I’m not a good swimmer? And no, I did NOT have a life vest on. My girlfriend at the time was a former Division I swimmer that had been olympic bound. I wasn’t about to humiliate myself that way too.

Well, this must have been the sort of panic that was robbing the peace of the Israelites as they were sandwiched between an army of Egyptians and a large body of water. They had no where to go, and they were facing imminent death (or slavery).

So, what was their reaction?

In Exodus 14:11, you’ll see that they turned on their leader, Moses. After all, they were terrified.They had plenty to say:

Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? Didn’t we say to you in Egypt, ‘Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians’? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!

Do you think they were panicked? Do you think they feared for their lives?

Now, let’s look at this from Moses’ perspective. How must he have been feeling? Well, its speculated that there were approximately 2-3 million Israelites that followed him out of Egypt…so you tell me. Would you have been scared if even 100 people wanted to kill you? Moses had many more angry and terrified people regretting their decision to follow him.

But this was his response:

Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.

Seriously? That was Moses’ response? Have you ever told someone who was panicking for their life to stop panicking and to be still? That’s not going to help you if you’re trying to save a drowning person, so what gave him confidence to say this to them?

WHY WAS MOSES AT PEACE?

If you read Exodus 14, you’ll notice a few things.

  1. God didn’t tell the Israelites His plan. He only told Moses.
  2. God didn’t reveal every detail of His plan, but He did give him a promise.
  3. God instructed Moses to do something crazy (verses 2-4)
  4. Moses Obeyed

Isn’t that interesting? God didn’t tell the Israelites what He told Moses. Why do you think that is?

I don’t know much about those Israelites (and neither do we), but we know a lot more about Moses and his character. We know that he loved God. We also know that he was tight with God. They were homeboys. They had a bond. And when you have a relationship that strong, you become privy to knowledge that someone “outside the circle” won’t know, and that brings peace of mind.

So what can we learn from this?

THERE ARE (4) KEY ELEMENTS TO GETTING PEACE IN OUR LIVES

  1. The stronger our RELATIONSHIP with God, the greater the peace we experience in our lives. (see Ephesians 2:12-16, Psalm 29:11)
  2. You can’t have a relationship without communication. If we are going to communicate with God, we must PRAY. (see Phillippians 4:4-9)
  3. A relationship without TRUST has no peace. (see Isaiah 26:3)
  4. We must OBEY God if we want peace in our lives. (see Isaiah 57:2, Psalm 85:8)

THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND

Remember, God spoke to Moses because he had a close relationship with him. If you’re not hearing God’s whispers, maybe your not that tight with Him. Moses was always communicating with God. And over time, as that relationship grew, Moses gained trust in God’s word, power, and character.

But keep in mind, God didn’t give Moses the play-by-play. He didn’t tell Moses HOW he was going to save them, He just said he would save them. It ultimately required Moses to step out in faith and obey God in order to see God’s promise realized.

Wanting God’s peace in your life? Are you finding that you exhibit more characteristics of an Israelite in times of panic? Or are you like Moses? Focus on your relationship with God by praying, trusting, and obeying Him, then you’ll experience God’s peace in your life.

Second Chances

Posted: October 28, 2009 in epiphanies, Life Happens, Relationships, Trust, What would Jesus do?
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God-of-second-chances

I wonder what this guy’s story is. Is he just some random person who thought this was a cool quote? Does he make it a habit of carrying around his camera while he’s riding his motorcycle and just pull over along the side of the road, having his photo taken by these signs? Or is there significance to him being in the picture? Why is he holding his helmet? Did he stare death in the face and escape an accident that could have cost him his life? Did God give him a second chance?

I couldn’t help but think about my own experience. I didn’t stare death in the face…not the way this guy might have, but I did wish for a second chance once.

If only she knew how sorry I was, then she would be able to forgive me. If only she understood the pain I had on my heart, I know she could work past the fact that I cheated on her. I just needed her to be in my shoes, to be in my head…then she could know that I would never do such a thing ever again. There IS such a thing as making a mistake and learning from it. It was just the one time.

Why wouldn’t she believe me? Why wouldn’t she forgive me? Why wouldn’t she give me a second chance?

I fell into a deep depression coma once I was arrested that fateful June day. I’m pretty sure I cried every single day, several hours a day, for the next two weeks as I wasted away in that Jail cell in Wyoming. I literally couldn’t eat for days. I had never cared so little about eating in my life. In fact, I would have welcomed death at that point…and I would have welcomed death for the next year of my life. Maybe even two. Just ask my family.

Once I was released from jail and on bond, I remember driving the streets at night and being hypnotized by the methodical street lights as I passed them by, thinking to myself, fantasizing to myself, hoping that a drunk driver would appear and swerve into my lane and kill me instantly in a head on collision. I used to come up with elaborate movie scene worthy scenarios of cars crashing and flipping as I tumbled to my death, putting me out of my misery. Life just simply wasn’t worth living if I couldn’t be with Michaela.

There was no excuse for my actions. I knew that. I did the unthinkable. I did one of the most hurtful things anybody could ever do to their lover. I cheated. And to really make it a hard pill to swallow, I was arrested for attempting to do it with a minor – a minor that was the same age as her kid sister. Who does that? Who could be so sick and twisted and…

I hated myself for a very long time. I wondered the same things about myself that she did.

She tried to make it work. She didn’t officially break up with me for another four or five months. That was when she finally called it quits. She just couldn’t get past it. There was too much doubt. Too much pain. Too much hurt. Too much deceit. Even if it was just one lie, it was one lie too many. One lie caused her to question our whole relationship. It caused her to question my whole character. I had destroyed the trust between us, and nothing that came out of my mouth could ever be believed again…at least not by her. It was crazy how one act, one single moment in time could destroy two and half years of character building proof. Just one mistake.

I understood it though. I deserved it. I made my bed, and now I had to lie in it. This was the beginning of one of the toughest lessons I have ever had to learn – there are consequences for our actions, and sometimes those consequences change the picture completely…forever.

But from where I was standing, the perspective was so different. I knew I would never hurt her like that again. My eyes had been opened. I now knew that I was capable of being a destroyer, of being a monster, and I was committed to never letting that happen again. All I wanted was a second chance. All I wanted was for her to forgive me…to truly forgive me, and to pretend like it had never happened. I just wanted her to see how much I could love her, how much I could right the wrong that I did, to prove to her through my actions that if she would give me that chance, she would never regret it for the rest of her life.

But I never got that second chance. Those were reserved for fairy tales and cheesy romantic comedies and dramas, but that wasn’t real life. That wasn’t my reality.

I wouldn’t change the course of events now that I’m removed from it and six years have passed. I now see how God turned the ugliest thing in my life and turned it into something good, and there’s something beautiful about His work when He does that. He surprises us by creating a masterpiece when we hand Him the paintbrush and allow Him to finish the disaster that we started.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. – Romans 8:28

With that said, sometimes I wonder what would have happened if she had given me a second chance.

Stopping wars

Posted: August 20, 2009 in Relationships
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Have you ever stopped to think about the role of an ambassador? 

I have to admit, I have my preconceived notions and biases of ambassadors and their importance in our society. I live near DC, and I’ve seen the cars they drive and the houses they live in. I’ve peered into the windows of the restaurants where they dine; places I can only afford to go during restaurant week. When I dine during those select times of year, I like to pretend I’m someone important – like a diplomat. Ironically, I think they avoid restaurant week like the plague because us ‘common folk’ have infested and crowded their normal spots. It’s funny, even the restaurant staff seem to look at us with disdain. It’s as if they somehow know I’m not a VIP – or maybe it’s just the cheap suit that I come in with.

Anyway, I know they’re not all bad. I know that not all Diplomats park in handicap spots or no parking zones with obnoxious fearlessness of being towed or ticketed. I’m sure that some of them actually respect and even fear our laws. (Wow, where did that come from?)

But back to my original point. What do Ambassadors do? What is their role? What is their trade? A quick search through the dictionary showed me this:

Ambassador: a diplomatic official of the highest rank sent by a government to represent it on a temporary mission, as for negotiating a treaty.

Diplomat: a person who is tactful and skillful in managing delicate situations, handling people, etc.

To be honest, I never thought much about ambassadors until I had a conversation with a friend the other day. And as I reflected over the past week, I realized I had actually had several conversations with a few people over the past week alone that had me thinking what it meant to be an ambassador.

For example, what would happen if a country wronged another country in some way (think of any international crisis), and then the ambassador who was appointed to negotiate and handle the situation simply said, “You’ve attacked us. Our gloves are coming off. We’re taking you out. You deserve it. You brought this on your self.” 

Is that the role of an ambassador? An ambassador is someone who is a diplomatic official of the highest rank who is supposed to be tactful and skilled at managing delicate situations. I’m not saying that the outcome will never mean fighting back in some way, but it always has to be handled delicately and tactfully first. An ambassador has to communicate its own interest as well as hearing and understanding the opposition’s point of view. The goal is to reach resolution, not to spark conflict.

But let’s talk practically. How many of us are actually ambassadors? What’s an ambassador got to do with me?

We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. – 2 Corinthians 5:20

Whether we like it or not, we are ambassadors…one way or another. What we do and how we respond is a reflection not only on us, but on everything we stand for.

Have you ever been in a situation where you’ve been wronged? Maybe someone was hating on you and started passing around rumors. Or maybe you were in a relationship that felt one-sided – you were the one always giving of yourself, but never seemed to get anything in return. And when all was said and done, they made it look like you were the one to blame. I’m sure that many marriages look like this. Maybe you’re in a situation where someone has cheated you or robbed you of something. Maybe they literally stole from you. Or maybe that robbery looked like rape.

What then? Are all bets off?

Forget being an ambassador, I want to be an assassin!

It’s easy to be good ambassadors when nothing is really at stake, but what kind of ambassadors would we be if we have truly been hurt and wounded? Forgiveness is a big element to being an effective ambassador. Why? Because an ambassador needs to be able to have a clear mind. They need to be able to hear both sides. That’s why cops are taken off of cases when it hits too close to home. That’s why doctors are not allowed to operate on loved ones – too much is at stake. It’s too hard to keep a clear head. It’s too hard to listen to both sides if we haven’t forgiven the other person.

Have you ever given someone the silent treatment because you were trying to hold back the biting words that wanted to flow from your mouth? That’s a good first step, but if you stop there, and bottle up the resentment and anger, that message of hate is going to seep through. Think of it this way, how effective of an ambassador would you be if you just went into a treaty meeting with your mouth shut and ears and mind closed? 

Would you be stopping any wars that way?

A friend of mine keeps saying, “I’m over it. Their loss. I’m done with [insert name here]!” There’s an inner war taking place. I had to tell them,

If you were an ambassador, you wouldn’t be stopping any wars.

When they respond to that individual with silence, or with anger in their heart, it may not be an outward lashing, but there is all sorts of hurt, anger, and bitterness going on inside. Even if the other person can’t see it, what war is going on inside of you? Pastor Dale just blogged on the destructive nature of withholding forgiveness (Getting Rid of Resentment).

What wars are you stopping as an ambassador?

When MPF broke up with me over a text message after nearly two years of being in a relationship, the last thing I wanted to do was take the first step towards reconciliation. The last thing I felt I had to do was forgive. After all, I had a right to be upset. But if I held onto that bitterness, I would have been the one to experience a civil war because God had placed within me His spirit – a spirit that would have been battling with the Adversary’s spirit.

Before you go telling someone how THEY screwed up, or how THEY were wrong, or how THEY should “grow”, check YOUR motivation and heart. Are you doing it out of a spirit of helping them? Or is it just a sophisticated way of getting in the last word?

What kind of ambassador are you?

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” — Ephesians 4:31, 32

A Peace Offering

Posted: July 17, 2009 in Life Happens, Relationships, Uplifting, Videos
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Where we began is where it all ended

Where we began is where it all ended

Ironic.

Last night, we ended up in the very place where we started – Denny’s. It was there where she tried to spit out the words that she wanted to be exclusive, and now it also marks the spot where we both made our peace offering to go our separate ways.

John Mayer’s song, My Stupid Mouth came to mind as we sat there in awkward silence. There was no chess playing of Salt & Pepper shakers, but we were both fixated on the tiny balls of napkin paper that we were molding. She made shredded strips of paper that were in a pile like a lumber stack. Mine was a twisted pretzel configuration that after all was said and done, looked like a conk shell.

In our differences, we are togetherness

Watching how different we were, even in our napkin rolling, had me thinking of our quote. I had envisioned engraving it inside her engagement ring. It was our identifying catch-phrase. It was meant to be a parody on Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey (can there be a parody on a parody?). Now it’s just…

Ironic.

I look around and see the couples that started dating around the time we got together. Everyone would agree…we were the best couple. We were the happiest couple. And yet, we are the couple that didn’t make it. 

Ironic.

I told her that I felt like I made out like a bandit. I’m a different person now than when we started.  She taught me to love God with all my heart, and to pursue Him in everything that I do. I’ve gone on missions trips because of her influence. I’m leading a group of over twenty young adults each week, doing my best to share in my passion for Christ. I never thought I would see the day where that would happen. My temper and anger management issues have dissipated – not to nothingness, but at least from an 8 to a 3 on a Temperament Richter scale. I’ve become more generous in my time and wallet. And I’ve learned to love people that I often can’t stand. She taught me those things.

I’m a better man now. Funny how I can grow in these areas, and become a new creature, and now I’m not a fit for her anymore.

Ironic.

It’s crazy how the most meaningful relationship in my life, the most fulfilling, the most fun, and the one where the most growth took place, has been the only one to not leave me feeling devastated when it ended.

It should have. When this relationship ended, I should have been downright miserable. My mind should have been filled with thoughts of ways to die. I should have become jaded and bitter and marred from the damage that was caused in abandoning me. And while I’m sad that I lost my best friend, she gave me the most precious gift of all – God’s love. Through her, I have come to see God’s face up close and personal. How awesome is that?

We exchanged tears as we said our apologies and goodbyes. And by the end of our conversation, it was back to being comfortable and familiar. We were discussing Bernie Madoff. She brought him up. She wanted to show off her knowledge of current events. It stopped there. She didn’t know much about his current state of affairs after all. We had to chuckle.

It was a glimmer of hope that we could one day be friends again. But the reality in the short term is that we won’t be “friends” for quite some time. In a perfect world, we would be. And while I’m sure we’ll be friendly, the reality is that our world’s have shifted, and it is going to look a lot different now. I’m sad that such an amazing person won’t be a part of my life – at least not the way I had planned it – but I can honestly say I have no regrets.

It’s interesting how you can meet an amazing person, have an incredible relationship, be left feeling great about them, and in the end, NOT have it work out. Or perhaps that’s just…

Ironic.

Last night at Axis, I was reminded of God’s promise, and it filled me with hope and joy and a hunger for what is to come!

“For I know the plans I have for you . . . plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11).

a ‘dear john’ text

Posted: June 25, 2009 in Anger, Relationships
Tags: , , , , , , ,
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Have you ever woken up  from a dream that seemed so real, you woke up in a state of panic, taking a few seconds to process whether or not it was a dream or reality?

It’s taken me a month and 10 days to put this down on “paper”. Writing it down somehow makes things more real, and I’ve been doing everything in my power to make the past 5 weeks anything but real. It’s felt more like a Salvadore Dali interpretation of life rather than reality, and I feel as though I’ve just woken up from my slumber, and I’m just now trying to get my bearings on what just happened.

On May 16th, I got a text message that at first glance, seemed a bit juvenile. MPF (my pre-fiance) and I had just gotten into a fight. It really wasn’t any different than the few other noteworthy fights that we’ve had over the past year and a half. It was definitely more intense than the usual irritations or rolled eyes moments, but it was nothing “new” in terms of content.

She was upset that I seemed irritated throughout the day. I was irritated that she was so affected by my irritation. I was thinking to myself, ‘toughen up for goodness sake!’ Then it happened. Then I decided to make the cardinal mistake of ‘talking things out’. We were soon engrossed in deeper discussions of the root of those issues. Before we knew it, we were in a full blown “conflict”. I say conflict because I’ve been in “fights”, and this was no fight. There were no raised voices (my opinion), there were no flying objects or slammed doors (yet), and there were no bleeping monitors going off. Just a good old fashioned difference of opinion, expression of annoyances, and attempt at forgiveness and moving on without making a mountain out of a mole hill. It was a controlled “christian” fight (or that’s how I think of it anyway).

Next thing I know, she’s getting up from the couch in tears and bee-lining for the door. “Oh, it’s ok for you to walk out, but not me?” Now I was being a jerk – and I knew it. Up until now,  I had been controlled, I hadn’t said anything that I would regret. But since she had already accused me of being rude (when I wasn’t), and of talking to her worse than any other person in her entire life, I figured, well, I might as well play the part. “I swear to God, if you walk out that door…” I said. I didn’t need to finish my sentence – she knew what that meant.

She walked out the door.

There are other details of course…like the fact that I was crying like a baby earlier on in our “conflict”, pouring out my heart to her. I was met with a dry eyed, irritated look. Actually, no – it was worse; it was a calloused, emotionless, empty look. That hurt a lot. Then there’s the other “detail”. Two minutes after having walked out of my condo, I threw her wallet out the door. She had called me from outside the building moments after she walked out. I thought she was calling to let me know she had come to her senses and that she was sorry. (nope)

I know. That was an ugly Nate moment. I tried numerous times to call her on her ride home to apologize – but she wouldn’t pick up. I finally had to resort to leaving an apology message. I HATE that. Within 24 hours I received a text message:

Hey.  I appreciate your apology last night.  I have been thinking and believe that we should break up.  I am not ok with a lot of things and think that this is best.  I love you and am deeply saddened by this but believe its the right thing.

My brain was spinning. Did I really read this correctly? Did I actually get a text message breaking up with me from someone that I dated for a year and half? This is how a relationship ends after all the I love you’s and the you’re amazing’s and the seriously, I’m so happy that God brought us together’s? Talk about a load of crap. How can I ever believe someone if they say those things to me in the future?

June 9th, approximately 3.5 weeks after the dear john text, I entered my angry phase. That’s Stage 2 of 5 for stages of grief. How annoying. I realized I was only 20% into my grieving cycle…

So where does anger fall into all of this? If someone hurts you (perhaps even undeserved), what are we called to do with that anger? Is it even wrong to experience anger at all?