Archive for the ‘Trust’ Category

You said let it go…

Posted: April 8, 2010 in epiphanies, Relationships, Trust
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The first time I decided to take a big leap of faith for God, I was living off of my credit card and living at home – as a 28 yr old. I had just gotten out of prison, and I had no prospects. Where was I going to work? What company was going to take me? I was such a loser.

Then, an opportunity fell into my lap. It was risky, and it by no means was a sure thing, but what did I have to lose at that point, right? So I became a “headhunter” or a “recruiter” for the retail industry. What did I know about recruiting for retail management positions? NOTHING. I didn’t even have a computer or a phone at that point.

Did I mention it was a 100% commission job?

I started hitting the phones in August, made my first “placement” in October, and didn’t receive my first commission check until January of 2007. I made three placements in October ’06 that netted me a check of just over $9,600 (hardly enough to survive for 6 months).

Ironically, it was right around that time that I began learning about tithing. Of course, as someone who had grown up going to church, I knew what “tithing” was, but I had never actually done anything with that knowledge. It just wasn’t practical. But the Holy Spirit was convicting me. I couldn’t escape those convicting thoughts telling me that I needed to tithe on the paycheck that I had just received.

I ran the numbers over and over again, and every time I ran it, I always came up negative. I simply could not afford to give God that first 10%. After all, I had taxes to take out, expenses to cover, and bills to pay. Surely, God wouldn’t expect me to give Him $960 that I didn’t have.

But the Holy Spirit kept convicting me – I couldn’t stop thinking about it.

So I set aside the money and put it in a separate bank account to be disbursed to my church once I figured out where and how I needed to send it. I decided to take that leap of faith and to obey, and I knew that God would honor that.

Every week, I went to church, and the offering plate crossed my path, and every week, I forgot to bring my check book. Consequently, that money sat in my bank account for nearly 2 months. One day, it finally dawned on me that even though I had made the decision to obey, and even though I had taken actions towards obedience, I had still not followed through completely. Once I came to that realization, I began to find all sorts of reasons (excuses) for why I couldn’t send that money. Bills were mounting, placements weren’t happening, and my faith was dwindling. But I knew what I had to do.

I had to let it go…

I went online one morning after prayer, asking God for the strength to follow through in obedience and let go of that money. Then, I went online, and made a contribution for the amount I had been holding. I exhaled deeply as I pressed send on my screen. This story had an amazing outcome by the way. Within 2 days of having followed through with that decision, I received a check in the mail that was within $20 of what I had tithed. Apparently, there had been an accounting error, and money was owed to me. Coincidence?

The reason I bring this story up is because I have recently found myself in a similar position. Some of you know that I have broken up with The Benz in February, and similar to my first tithing experience, it was a HUGE leap of faith. In fact, I would venture to say that this was (and is) the most confusing decision I have ever had to make in my life. It’s not like it made sense to break up with her. We weren’t fighting, we weren’t unhappy, she wasn’t in a bad place spiritually, and neither was I. In fact, it was quite the opposite. We had reached a break through, and I saw, more than ever, that this was a woman I wanted to marry. I was in awe of her growth and her desire to know our God. I was excited to see how God was speaking in our lives, and how He was the center of our relationship. But in early January, for some reason, I lost the Peace of God in our relationship, and nearly two months later, I had to make the hard decision to step out in faith and…

let it go…

You might be thinking,

but Nate, you broke up with her – you DID let her go.

And that’s what I had thought as well…but the more I thought about it, the more I realized I was still holding her in a “separate account”, not quite willing to let her go all the way.

You see, the night I broke up with her, I lent her my car, and I told her that she could use it for as long as she needed to use it. My motivations or intentions were pure, but over time, they became a weight in my ability to let her go. I’ve since then come to learn that she hasn’t been using the car and that she was able to resolve her car “issues”; but despite that knowledge, I have not been eager to collect the keys because that would be giving her the impression that I’m closing the door once and for all.

So today, I’m getting together to talk with her and will be “sending my check” so to speak, and I’ll…

let her go

In Lifegroup last night, I asked for prayer to “let go and let God”. This morning, Lauren from my Lifegroup forwarded me this song that she heard on her way to work:

Let It Go

(lyrics by Tenth Avenue North)

I’ve been holding on so tight
Look at these knuckles
They’ve gone white
I’m fighting for who I wanna be
I’m just trying to find security

But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it’s then I’ll find my soul
You say let it go.

Well it’s hard enough to hear
Harder still, to move beyond this fear
We know there’s nothing I can bring,
So tell me what do you want from me?

But You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it’s then I’ll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go

What do I love?
What do I hate?
What will I lose?
What will I gain?
How do I save my soul?
What if I bend?
What if I break?
What will it cost?
What will it take?
For you to save my soul.

You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say You will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it’s then I’ll find my soul

You say let it go, You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one to lose control
You say you will be, everything I need
You said if I lose my life it’s then I’ll find my soul
You say let it go, You say let it go

Lifegroup Bible Study: HOW TO TAP INTO GOD’S PEACE

Posted: February 22, 2010 in Bible Study, Relationships, Trust
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Have you ever been in a state of panic?

I’m not talking about the type of panic that you experience when you’re trying to figure out what to wear on your date. I’m talking about true panic…the kind that literally paralyzes you (or causes you to behave in a way you’ve never behaved before). I’m talking about the kind of panic that has you staring at death (as you see it).

With that said, I’m going to be 32 yrs old this week, and I’m staring death in the face!

Ok, that’s being dramatic, and I’m totally kidding (about me staring death in the face), but I do recall a time several years ago where I literally thought I was going to die.

I was off the coast of Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, and had just jumped into the water with flippers, goggles, and snorkel gear in tact. My world was practically in mute, except for the deafening muffled sound of my suppressed breathing. I was Darth Vader. I had never snorkeled in my life, and here I was, abandoned by my friends and family and immersed in a foreign world.

To my right was the boat. Within ten feet of me was an idling propeller, keeping the boat from drifting into the cliff nearby. I kept envisioning getting sucked under the propeller and becoming bait. To my left was a coral cliff, with waves crashing into it like a round of punches from the Russian boxer, Ivan Drago in the movie Rocky IV. Beneath me was a world of creatures I’ve never met in person before. For all I knew, sharks and Piranhas were waiting for my tasty dangling feet (yes, I know that Piranhas are freshwater fish, but when you’re panicking, all logic is out the door). And then there was the plastic contraption in my mouth that was force feeding me filthy, feces infested salted water, taunting me with thoughts of death by drowning.

Did I mention I’m not a good swimmer? And no, I did NOT have a life vest on. My girlfriend at the time was a former Division I swimmer that had been olympic bound. I wasn’t about to humiliate myself that way too.

Well, this must have been the sort of panic that was robbing the peace of the Israelites as they were sandwiched between an army of Egyptians and a large body of water. They had no where to go, and they were facing imminent death (or slavery).

So, what was their reaction?

In Exodus 14:11, you’ll see that they turned on their leader, Moses. After all, they were terrified.They had plenty to say:

Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? Didn’t we say to you in Egypt, ‘Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians’? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!

Do you think they were panicked? Do you think they feared for their lives?

Now, let’s look at this from Moses’ perspective. How must he have been feeling? Well, its speculated that there were approximately 2-3 million Israelites that followed him out of Egypt…so you tell me. Would you have been scared if even 100 people wanted to kill you? Moses had many more angry and terrified people regretting their decision to follow him.

But this was his response:

Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.

Seriously? That was Moses’ response? Have you ever told someone who was panicking for their life to stop panicking and to be still? That’s not going to help you if you’re trying to save a drowning person, so what gave him confidence to say this to them?

WHY WAS MOSES AT PEACE?

If you read Exodus 14, you’ll notice a few things.

  1. God didn’t tell the Israelites His plan. He only told Moses.
  2. God didn’t reveal every detail of His plan, but He did give him a promise.
  3. God instructed Moses to do something crazy (verses 2-4)
  4. Moses Obeyed

Isn’t that interesting? God didn’t tell the Israelites what He told Moses. Why do you think that is?

I don’t know much about those Israelites (and neither do we), but we know a lot more about Moses and his character. We know that he loved God. We also know that he was tight with God. They were homeboys. They had a bond. And when you have a relationship that strong, you become privy to knowledge that someone “outside the circle” won’t know, and that brings peace of mind.

So what can we learn from this?

THERE ARE (4) KEY ELEMENTS TO GETTING PEACE IN OUR LIVES

  1. The stronger our RELATIONSHIP with God, the greater the peace we experience in our lives. (see Ephesians 2:12-16, Psalm 29:11)
  2. You can’t have a relationship without communication. If we are going to communicate with God, we must PRAY. (see Phillippians 4:4-9)
  3. A relationship without TRUST has no peace. (see Isaiah 26:3)
  4. We must OBEY God if we want peace in our lives. (see Isaiah 57:2, Psalm 85:8)

THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND

Remember, God spoke to Moses because he had a close relationship with him. If you’re not hearing God’s whispers, maybe your not that tight with Him. Moses was always communicating with God. And over time, as that relationship grew, Moses gained trust in God’s word, power, and character.

But keep in mind, God didn’t give Moses the play-by-play. He didn’t tell Moses HOW he was going to save them, He just said he would save them. It ultimately required Moses to step out in faith and obey God in order to see God’s promise realized.

Wanting God’s peace in your life? Are you finding that you exhibit more characteristics of an Israelite in times of panic? Or are you like Moses? Focus on your relationship with God by praying, trusting, and obeying Him, then you’ll experience God’s peace in your life.

Second Chances

Posted: October 28, 2009 in epiphanies, Life Happens, Relationships, Trust, What would Jesus do?
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God-of-second-chances

I wonder what this guy’s story is. Is he just some random person who thought this was a cool quote? Does he make it a habit of carrying around his camera while he’s riding his motorcycle and just pull over along the side of the road, having his photo taken by these signs? Or is there significance to him being in the picture? Why is he holding his helmet? Did he stare death in the face and escape an accident that could have cost him his life? Did God give him a second chance?

I couldn’t help but think about my own experience. I didn’t stare death in the face…not the way this guy might have, but I did wish for a second chance once.

If only she knew how sorry I was, then she would be able to forgive me. If only she understood the pain I had on my heart, I know she could work past the fact that I cheated on her. I just needed her to be in my shoes, to be in my head…then she could know that I would never do such a thing ever again. There IS such a thing as making a mistake and learning from it. It was just the one time.

Why wouldn’t she believe me? Why wouldn’t she forgive me? Why wouldn’t she give me a second chance?

I fell into a deep depression coma once I was arrested that fateful June day. I’m pretty sure I cried every single day, several hours a day, for the next two weeks as I wasted away in that Jail cell in Wyoming. I literally couldn’t eat for days. I had never cared so little about eating in my life. In fact, I would have welcomed death at that point…and I would have welcomed death for the next year of my life. Maybe even two. Just ask my family.

Once I was released from jail and on bond, I remember driving the streets at night and being hypnotized by the methodical street lights as I passed them by, thinking to myself, fantasizing to myself, hoping that a drunk driver would appear and swerve into my lane and kill me instantly in a head on collision. I used to come up with elaborate movie scene worthy scenarios of cars crashing and flipping as I tumbled to my death, putting me out of my misery. Life just simply wasn’t worth living if I couldn’t be with Michaela.

There was no excuse for my actions. I knew that. I did the unthinkable. I did one of the most hurtful things anybody could ever do to their lover. I cheated. And to really make it a hard pill to swallow, I was arrested for attempting to do it with a minor – a minor that was the same age as her kid sister. Who does that? Who could be so sick and twisted and…

I hated myself for a very long time. I wondered the same things about myself that she did.

She tried to make it work. She didn’t officially break up with me for another four or five months. That was when she finally called it quits. She just couldn’t get past it. There was too much doubt. Too much pain. Too much hurt. Too much deceit. Even if it was just one lie, it was one lie too many. One lie caused her to question our whole relationship. It caused her to question my whole character. I had destroyed the trust between us, and nothing that came out of my mouth could ever be believed again…at least not by her. It was crazy how one act, one single moment in time could destroy two and half years of character building proof. Just one mistake.

I understood it though. I deserved it. I made my bed, and now I had to lie in it. This was the beginning of one of the toughest lessons I have ever had to learn – there are consequences for our actions, and sometimes those consequences change the picture completely…forever.

But from where I was standing, the perspective was so different. I knew I would never hurt her like that again. My eyes had been opened. I now knew that I was capable of being a destroyer, of being a monster, and I was committed to never letting that happen again. All I wanted was a second chance. All I wanted was for her to forgive me…to truly forgive me, and to pretend like it had never happened. I just wanted her to see how much I could love her, how much I could right the wrong that I did, to prove to her through my actions that if she would give me that chance, she would never regret it for the rest of her life.

But I never got that second chance. Those were reserved for fairy tales and cheesy romantic comedies and dramas, but that wasn’t real life. That wasn’t my reality.

I wouldn’t change the course of events now that I’m removed from it and six years have passed. I now see how God turned the ugliest thing in my life and turned it into something good, and there’s something beautiful about His work when He does that. He surprises us by creating a masterpiece when we hand Him the paintbrush and allow Him to finish the disaster that we started.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. – Romans 8:28

With that said, sometimes I wonder what would have happened if she had given me a second chance.

All I Need Is You

Posted: July 10, 2009 in Trust, Videos
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"because you're chinese"

"because you're chinese"

When I was in first grade, I experienced my first crush, and had my first girlfriend. That’s a lot of “firsts”. I’ll never forget that crushing blow when I was told that she couldn’t be my girlfriend anymore.

Me: “Why not?”

Kara: Squinting while pulling the sides of her eyes with her pointer fingers, making them extra slanted she said, “because your Chinese”.

I’m not even chinese. But in a state like Ohio, where the population of Japanese americans is about 2 (me and my sister), I might as well have been chinese. What else could we be?

I’ve heard just about every excuse for why “they” can’t date me anymore, and sadly, the reasons haven’t gotten much better.  A narcissist would say that it’s clearly their problem. An unconfident loser would say that it’s entirely my fault. And although I think the answer is somewhere in the middle, I have no idea how one can know where I actually fall on that scale.

All I know is that at 31 yrs old, I’m still in the same position as I was at age 6 – confused. But what makes this so different from the rest of the relationships is that I’m confused for a different reason. I actually don’t care about the reason why MPF broke up with me. What’s got me all bent out of shape is that I’ve been hearing this pressing word that’s been popping into my head for nearly two months – and it just doesn’t make any sense.

“WAIT”.

Wait for what? Wait for MPF to come to her senses and beg to come back? (that’s laughable).

Wait for what? Wait for time to heal the wound? (that doesn’t sound like much fun).

Wait for what? Wait for clarity from God? Yes…that must be it. That’s what everyone keeps saying. Wait for God to speak to you. He will tell you what to do. That sounds so cliche – and annoying, but I’ve lived life long enough to know that there’s wisdom in cliche’s…so…

I’ve been praying, and I’ve been listening, and all I’ve heard is “WAIT” in this quiet hush of a whisper. Nothing more.

Seriously? Is that all you have to say God? I imagine Him mocking me saying, “You can’t handle the truth” in a bad Jack Nicholson impersonated voice. And maybe it’s not so far from the truth.

Tonight, I came across Habakkuk 2:3 which reads:

For the vision is yet for an appointed time and it hastens to the end [fulfillment]; it will not deceive or disappoint. Though it tarry, wait [earnestly] for it, because it will surely come; it will not be behindhand on its appointed day.

AMP version

This moment sure does “tarry”. I’ve been forced to tarry ever since I asked MPF’s parents for MPF’s hand in marriage. That was 7 months ago. And then God tells me to WAIT, even after MPF walks out of my life. What kind of sense does that make? If not for the promises in the Bible, and countless examples of God delivering people from terrible situations, I would think it were a cruel joke.

So then what am I waiting on? It’s easy for my heart to grow restless. I’m filled with love and joy and optimism and adventure and courage and boldness…I don’t want to wait any longer. I’m not comfortable to “WAIT”.

But it’s a comforting verse nonetheless. Despite all the waiting and lack of clarity, there’s a promise hidden in there.

It will not deceive or disappoint

Interesting. It’s not a cruel joke. It says it right there. It will not deceive. And apparently it won’t disappoint either. That’s a bold statement.

So I wait, maybe not so patiently (although I’m working hard on that aspect of the waiting game), but I wait nonetheless, and another thing that has begun to press on my heart is that there is only one thing that I need…

All I need is you

Suck it Up

Posted: July 7, 2009 in Bible Study, Trust
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Oswald Chambers (My Utmost For His Highest) – July 7

How many times had I heard the words “practice makes perfect” growing up. My mom would say it as I began making excuses for why I didn’t want to play the piano. Those Sonatina’s and Sonata’s were a bear to tackle, and it seemed as though I would never learn how to play them all the way through without making mistakes. I can practically hear my mocking tone as I echoed my mom’s words under my breath…”practice makes perfect”, making my way to the piano stool to begin my daily practice.

And how many times did I hear those words while complaining on the way to soccer practice growing up? From age five, the time I first played for a soccer team, the mantra continued. It seemed to invade every worthwhile area of my life.

But by High School and College, I didn’t need to hear those words anymore. I knew it to be true. Practice did make perfection. How else could I explain the things my body was able to do during a match. How else could I stop a 60 mph ball from entering a 24 x 8 ft space?

Perfection, in this context, is of course relative. I clearly got scored on…A LOT…but I did rank #1 in the country for NCAA Division I goalies for a period of time, and I did end up #3 in the country for two seasons running. So practice had to have had a part in that. Practicing taught my body to react heroically and instinctively in match-play situations, and victory was my reward. Game time was a testing of my disciplines, practice, and hard work…and when we beat Colgate for the first time ever in 25 yrs. on their home field in front of 10,000 of their fans, THAT was a noble and victorious moment in time.

Thank God He does give us difficult things to do! His salvation is a glad thing, but it is also a heroic, holy thing. It tests us for all we are worth…If we obey the Spirit of God and practice in our physical life what God has put in us by His Spirit, then when the crisis comes, we shall find that our own nature as well as the grace of God will stand by us.

Oswald Chambers – My Utmost For His Highest (July 7)

Are you finding that God’s will is not so easy? Are you tired of all the discouraging upward battles that come your way? Do you question God’s will for you because life doesn’t go according to “plan“? All noble things are difficult. This has also been rephrased as ‘nothing good comes easy’. When you’re feeling this way, look for God’s promises, and hold on tight to it. Go to practice, because practice makes perfect.

“For I know the plans I have for you . . . plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11).


Don’t Calculate Without God

Posted: July 5, 2009 in Bible Study, Trust
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...He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun

...He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun

Oswald Chambers’ daily devotion (My Utmost For His Highest) – July 5

I’m a spreadsheet kind of guy. The people that are close to me know that I love my Excel spreadsheets. I use them to keep track of everything! For example, it helps me to follow the balances of my bank accounts and transactions. I also use them to project annual spending behaviors or to monitor the total cost of owning a car. I even use them to evaluate the behavioral patterns of the  relationships that I keep.

Ok…just kidding. I don’t use them to track my finances…

And why do I like them? It’s because I like predictability. I like seeing patterns and projecting outcomes. I appreciate the ability to identify a future problem, and remedy a trend before it gets out of hand. In short, I am a control freak. So what happens when something doesn’t go according to plan? Where does my mind go? I go straight to my Excel spreadsheet for “life”, and look to identify what went wrong. Did I miss a step that threw off the rest of the computation? What variable did I miss? Where did I go wrong? Going through life in this way is exhausting.

Have you ever known someone to freak out about trying to find the perfect gift for someone? Here’s a novel idea…if you know that person well enough, and if you actually pay attention and listen to them throughout the year, you might actually know what they want. Instead, we go through life, trying to find the “perfect gift”, when all we really need to do is draw near to God and come into a close relationship with Him. Then we’ll have a much better idea of what God wants from us. Instead, we go through life, calculating and projecting based on the variables around us, going about our planning of things as if we have total control of it all. But we rarely stop to ask God himself whether we’re on the right track. If we’re looking to please Him, we should just ask Him more often what He wants.

But what if we are “calculating with God“? What if we’ve said from the start, and have continually said throughout, “God, I won’t move forward with my plans until I know this is what you want”? Take MPF for example. We prayed from the very beginning that our relationship was His, and that we wanted to be obedient to His will. And when we started talking about marriage, we reminded God (as if He needed reminding) that we wouldn’t move forward without it being His will. And then I started shopping for rings, and I dialogued for months with God, and told Him repeatedly that I wouldn’t actually buy a ring until I knew that it was His will. And then…poof! The relationship suddenly dissolved into thin air – after, of course, I bought the perfect ring.

God seems to have a delightful way of upsetting the things we have calculated on without taking Him into account.

Oswald Chambers – My Utmost For His Highest – July 5 Devotional

Well, things were upset all right. But the thing that I don’t understand is that I thought I had taken Him into account. Is Chambers right here? Is it possible to ‘calculate with God’, and still have things fall apart? Does one infer the other? Just because I calculated with God, does it necessarily mean that things will go according to my plan? At least in the case of me and MPF, I would have to say ‘NO’.

As I read this verse tonight, I was suddenly restored with peace and comfort and victory. Yes, VICTORY.

Psalm 37:4-6

Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn...

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn...

There’s that word that keeps popping up – Trust. It’s only five letters, but it’s a huge word. It carries a lot of weight, but it also has a great reward. Wow. He will make my righteousness shine like the dawn? Have you seen a sunrise lately? It’s a beautiful and powerful thing. It actually elicits a physiological response in my body…and it’s always tied to peace, inspiration, and awe every time I see it. And the notion that my cause would be like a noonday sun – the strongest light of day – says a lot about how powerful I can be if only I trust in Him.

We may not understand why our plans fail…even if we think we are calculating with God in mind…but if we Trust in Him…does it really matter?