The call

Posted: July 15, 2009 in Life Happens
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I woke up to a disturbing email yesterday morning. My mom’s not one to write long emails, but this one was definitely longer than usual. And why? Her close friend from work had gotten a call in the middle of the day from her mom saying that her brother was found dead in a motel room with beer cans everywhere. Apparently he was an alcoholic for years, and although everyone “knew” that death was a reality, no one really expected that this day would actually come.

Then, just 2 hours later, a close friend of mine told me how her friend was just diagnosed with ovarian cancer the day prior, and has been given a year to live. She’s 24 years old.

As I ran through these stories in my mind, I was instantly sent back in time to January of 2000. It was my senior year at Bucknell, and my roommates and I were playing Hearts while pounding beers. That was when I received the call. The call that everyone gets at least once in their life. The call that changes the world as you know it. This was just my first.

I couldn’t understand what my mom was saying. It was like she was speaking a different language…and it wasn’t Japanese. The boisterous laughing from my roommates suddenly faded out of focus. All I could hear was my mom…but I couldn’t understand what she was saying. I did know it wasn’t good though. I could hear that the moment I picked up the phone.

It took me a few minutes to decipher that my sister had just been diagnosed with Leukemia. She was only 16 yrs old. A baby. “No! Tell me your kidding…Tell me your kidding!”, I kept saying that over and over again.

I don’t remember much after that point. I know that when I came out of the room that I had retreated to, everybody was looking at me with hushed wonder. They knew something was up, but they didn’t dare say a word.

I didn’t sleep much that night, despite the number of hours that I spent in bed. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t be consoled. I was going to lose my sister…my one and only sister. I believe it hit me harder than anyone in my family. I think I was the only one who realized that we may never see her again. Everyone else was so optimistic and in denial. I couldn’t understand what part of 25% of dying they didn’t understand. That meant that if I had four sisters, I would definitely lose one of them. That’s a fact. And losing one is always a 100% loss.

My mom ended her email to me with a thought that has entered each of our minds at least one time or another.

…We all know that our lives here on earth are so short and never know when God decides to end it, but how many of us really think about it often enough to try our best to live one day at a time?

This is a broken world, full of disappointments, heartache, injustice, and pain. These things are a given. They can not be avoided. On top of that, our life is short. Even 100 yrs is a blink of an eye…and how many of us get to experience that? This verse came to mind.

…you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”

James 4:14

Most of us choose to go on through life dazed and confused by the beatings we take. We drown ourselves with “drugs” of distraction like work, money, addictions, or even relationships; but we rarely make our lives count for something eternal.

I’m thankful that my sister was diagnosed with cancer at age 16. That woke me up and made me realize how precious she was to me. She’s been my best friend ever since. And I believe she was blessed to be awakened at a young age as well. She’s out there saving lives as a doctor now (as of 1 month ago), and sharing God’s love to every person that she meets in life.

What has that phone call done for you?

The grass is greener…where you water it.

Posted: July 12, 2009 in A Proverb
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Just like most guys, I have a weakness for really beautiful, curvaceous, sexy… cars. What? Did you think I was going to say something else?

For most guys, a beautiful girl will turn their heads…and while they may catch my eye, what will literally turn my head is a shiny, newly polished car that clearly has some power under the hood. And despite all the hot rides that are coming off the line these days, I think my dream car is actually the 1967 Shelby GT 500 that was featured in Gone in 60 Seconds.

That car was hot when it came out in 1967, and it’s even hotter now. But 40 years can do a lot to a car. Next time you’re driving around, just look around at take notice of cars that are about 10 years old. The paint fades, rust creeps in, and dents and scratches appear out of nowhere. Who turns their head for an average 1999 Ford Mustang? So what’s the difference? What makes a 40 yr old car HOT, and a 10 yr old car a piece of junk?

What this car looked like brand new

Something that was said today at one of Church of the Redeemer’s services answered that question for me. We’ve all heard the expression “The grass is greener in other pastures”, but most of us already know through experience that it’s just an illusion. We have a tendency to glamorize what we don’t have. But circumstances are rarely much better on the other side of the fence. Perhaps a better, more constructive quote is something that Pastor Dale has been quoted as saying, “The grass is greener where you water it”.

In a day and age where we are constantly being bombarded with messages from the media that ‘newer is better’, we are constantly seeking gratification by trading in for a newer model. For some of us, it’s a new car. For others, it’s a new wife. The basic idea here is that if it isn’t working, or if it’s causing some problems, just move on and get a newer one. This way of thinking pervades our society. Just look at how many new homes are being built, or how we try and buy our way into happiness. What is wrong with old? What is wrong with aging? Why are people so quick to quit what they have?

But if we just water the areas that we have, we will have green pastures.

A beautiful classic turned to junk if left to the elements without repair and care

A beautiful classic turned to junk if left to the elements without repair and care

It takes a lot of resources and passion to put into an old car, and restoring an old vehicle doesn’t happen overnight. And in a lot of respects, after a classic car has been overhauled, it’s not even the same car. In fact, in my opinion, it’s even better than before because new technologies and styles can be incorporated into the older model. It’s practically a new car. And because of all the sweat and tears that went into rebuilding that car, and the fact that it’s a one of a kind unique beauty, it makes that the most desirable car in the world for me.

Rather than complaining about where you are in life, or what your circumstances are, or what you do or don’t have, what kind of effort are you doing to “water your own pasture”? Imagine if God treated us the way we treat others. What if we were simply traded in for someone newer…someone undamaged. This world would look a lot different without those of us who have been redeemed.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”

2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV)

Fully restored and overhauled 1967 Mustang Shelby GT 500

Fully restored and overhauled 1967 Mustang Shelby GT 500. My idea of a watered pasture.

All I Need Is You

Posted: July 10, 2009 in Trust, Videos
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"because you're chinese"

"because you're chinese"

When I was in first grade, I experienced my first crush, and had my first girlfriend. That’s a lot of “firsts”. I’ll never forget that crushing blow when I was told that she couldn’t be my girlfriend anymore.

Me: “Why not?”

Kara: Squinting while pulling the sides of her eyes with her pointer fingers, making them extra slanted she said, “because your Chinese”.

I’m not even chinese. But in a state like Ohio, where the population of Japanese americans is about 2 (me and my sister), I might as well have been chinese. What else could we be?

I’ve heard just about every excuse for why “they” can’t date me anymore, and sadly, the reasons haven’t gotten much better.  A narcissist would say that it’s clearly their problem. An unconfident loser would say that it’s entirely my fault. And although I think the answer is somewhere in the middle, I have no idea how one can know where I actually fall on that scale.

All I know is that at 31 yrs old, I’m still in the same position as I was at age 6 – confused. But what makes this so different from the rest of the relationships is that I’m confused for a different reason. I actually don’t care about the reason why MPF broke up with me. What’s got me all bent out of shape is that I’ve been hearing this pressing word that’s been popping into my head for nearly two months – and it just doesn’t make any sense.

“WAIT”.

Wait for what? Wait for MPF to come to her senses and beg to come back? (that’s laughable).

Wait for what? Wait for time to heal the wound? (that doesn’t sound like much fun).

Wait for what? Wait for clarity from God? Yes…that must be it. That’s what everyone keeps saying. Wait for God to speak to you. He will tell you what to do. That sounds so cliche – and annoying, but I’ve lived life long enough to know that there’s wisdom in cliche’s…so…

I’ve been praying, and I’ve been listening, and all I’ve heard is “WAIT” in this quiet hush of a whisper. Nothing more.

Seriously? Is that all you have to say God? I imagine Him mocking me saying, “You can’t handle the truth” in a bad Jack Nicholson impersonated voice. And maybe it’s not so far from the truth.

Tonight, I came across Habakkuk 2:3 which reads:

For the vision is yet for an appointed time and it hastens to the end [fulfillment]; it will not deceive or disappoint. Though it tarry, wait [earnestly] for it, because it will surely come; it will not be behindhand on its appointed day.

AMP version

This moment sure does “tarry”. I’ve been forced to tarry ever since I asked MPF’s parents for MPF’s hand in marriage. That was 7 months ago. And then God tells me to WAIT, even after MPF walks out of my life. What kind of sense does that make? If not for the promises in the Bible, and countless examples of God delivering people from terrible situations, I would think it were a cruel joke.

So then what am I waiting on? It’s easy for my heart to grow restless. I’m filled with love and joy and optimism and adventure and courage and boldness…I don’t want to wait any longer. I’m not comfortable to “WAIT”.

But it’s a comforting verse nonetheless. Despite all the waiting and lack of clarity, there’s a promise hidden in there.

It will not deceive or disappoint

Interesting. It’s not a cruel joke. It says it right there. It will not deceive. And apparently it won’t disappoint either. That’s a bold statement.

So I wait, maybe not so patiently (although I’m working hard on that aspect of the waiting game), but I wait nonetheless, and another thing that has begun to press on my heart is that there is only one thing that I need…

All I need is you

What can one person do?

Posted: July 8, 2009 in Uplifting
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In June 30th’s Lifegroup meeting, we talked about being a light amongst the darkness.

Ephesians 5:8-14

8For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9 (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10and find out what pleases the Lord. 11Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. 12For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. 13But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, 14for it is light that makes everything visible. This is why it is said: “Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.”

Well, that’s all good and all, but what does all that Christianese really mean? The notion of being a light is cool (light = good, darkness = evil), but how does this passage apply to my life?

I came across this video a few weeks back, and it does a good job of showing how one small act can make such a big impact. Does one single candle light up a dark room? Not really. But can you see that tiny flame burn from every corner of that room? Absolutely. And that little flame has the ability to ignite other candles and light a huge torch. You have no idea what one little candle flame can do!

This video is a bit long (16 minutes), but it’s worth watching.

Suck it Up

Posted: July 7, 2009 in Bible Study, Trust
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Oswald Chambers (My Utmost For His Highest) – July 7

How many times had I heard the words “practice makes perfect” growing up. My mom would say it as I began making excuses for why I didn’t want to play the piano. Those Sonatina’s and Sonata’s were a bear to tackle, and it seemed as though I would never learn how to play them all the way through without making mistakes. I can practically hear my mocking tone as I echoed my mom’s words under my breath…”practice makes perfect”, making my way to the piano stool to begin my daily practice.

And how many times did I hear those words while complaining on the way to soccer practice growing up? From age five, the time I first played for a soccer team, the mantra continued. It seemed to invade every worthwhile area of my life.

But by High School and College, I didn’t need to hear those words anymore. I knew it to be true. Practice did make perfection. How else could I explain the things my body was able to do during a match. How else could I stop a 60 mph ball from entering a 24 x 8 ft space?

Perfection, in this context, is of course relative. I clearly got scored on…A LOT…but I did rank #1 in the country for NCAA Division I goalies for a period of time, and I did end up #3 in the country for two seasons running. So practice had to have had a part in that. Practicing taught my body to react heroically and instinctively in match-play situations, and victory was my reward. Game time was a testing of my disciplines, practice, and hard work…and when we beat Colgate for the first time ever in 25 yrs. on their home field in front of 10,000 of their fans, THAT was a noble and victorious moment in time.

Thank God He does give us difficult things to do! His salvation is a glad thing, but it is also a heroic, holy thing. It tests us for all we are worth…If we obey the Spirit of God and practice in our physical life what God has put in us by His Spirit, then when the crisis comes, we shall find that our own nature as well as the grace of God will stand by us.

Oswald Chambers – My Utmost For His Highest (July 7)

Are you finding that God’s will is not so easy? Are you tired of all the discouraging upward battles that come your way? Do you question God’s will for you because life doesn’t go according to “plan“? All noble things are difficult. This has also been rephrased as ‘nothing good comes easy’. When you’re feeling this way, look for God’s promises, and hold on tight to it. Go to practice, because practice makes perfect.

“For I know the plans I have for you . . . plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11).


Don’t Calculate Without God

Posted: July 5, 2009 in Bible Study, Trust
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...He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun

...He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun

Oswald Chambers’ daily devotion (My Utmost For His Highest) – July 5

I’m a spreadsheet kind of guy. The people that are close to me know that I love my Excel spreadsheets. I use them to keep track of everything! For example, it helps me to follow the balances of my bank accounts and transactions. I also use them to project annual spending behaviors or to monitor the total cost of owning a car. I even use them to evaluate the behavioral patterns of the  relationships that I keep.

Ok…just kidding. I don’t use them to track my finances…

And why do I like them? It’s because I like predictability. I like seeing patterns and projecting outcomes. I appreciate the ability to identify a future problem, and remedy a trend before it gets out of hand. In short, I am a control freak. So what happens when something doesn’t go according to plan? Where does my mind go? I go straight to my Excel spreadsheet for “life”, and look to identify what went wrong. Did I miss a step that threw off the rest of the computation? What variable did I miss? Where did I go wrong? Going through life in this way is exhausting.

Have you ever known someone to freak out about trying to find the perfect gift for someone? Here’s a novel idea…if you know that person well enough, and if you actually pay attention and listen to them throughout the year, you might actually know what they want. Instead, we go through life, trying to find the “perfect gift”, when all we really need to do is draw near to God and come into a close relationship with Him. Then we’ll have a much better idea of what God wants from us. Instead, we go through life, calculating and projecting based on the variables around us, going about our planning of things as if we have total control of it all. But we rarely stop to ask God himself whether we’re on the right track. If we’re looking to please Him, we should just ask Him more often what He wants.

But what if we are “calculating with God“? What if we’ve said from the start, and have continually said throughout, “God, I won’t move forward with my plans until I know this is what you want”? Take MPF for example. We prayed from the very beginning that our relationship was His, and that we wanted to be obedient to His will. And when we started talking about marriage, we reminded God (as if He needed reminding) that we wouldn’t move forward without it being His will. And then I started shopping for rings, and I dialogued for months with God, and told Him repeatedly that I wouldn’t actually buy a ring until I knew that it was His will. And then…poof! The relationship suddenly dissolved into thin air – after, of course, I bought the perfect ring.

God seems to have a delightful way of upsetting the things we have calculated on without taking Him into account.

Oswald Chambers – My Utmost For His Highest – July 5 Devotional

Well, things were upset all right. But the thing that I don’t understand is that I thought I had taken Him into account. Is Chambers right here? Is it possible to ‘calculate with God’, and still have things fall apart? Does one infer the other? Just because I calculated with God, does it necessarily mean that things will go according to my plan? At least in the case of me and MPF, I would have to say ‘NO’.

As I read this verse tonight, I was suddenly restored with peace and comfort and victory. Yes, VICTORY.

Psalm 37:4-6

Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn...

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn...

There’s that word that keeps popping up – Trust. It’s only five letters, but it’s a huge word. It carries a lot of weight, but it also has a great reward. Wow. He will make my righteousness shine like the dawn? Have you seen a sunrise lately? It’s a beautiful and powerful thing. It actually elicits a physiological response in my body…and it’s always tied to peace, inspiration, and awe every time I see it. And the notion that my cause would be like a noonday sun – the strongest light of day – says a lot about how powerful I can be if only I trust in Him.

We may not understand why our plans fail…even if we think we are calculating with God in mind…but if we Trust in Him…does it really matter?

My Chains Are Gone

Posted: July 1, 2009 in Redemption
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1 John 15:10

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness

I’ve read this verse at least a dozen times in my lifetime, and it’s never really meant a thing to me. Even when I was in AWANA as a child, earning my stripes and patches by memorizing verses like a boyscout memorizes codes of conduct, they were just words meshed together, forming Charlie Brown sounds. But today, these words meant something much more. A friend of mine read this verse today and was moved to tears when she read it. She wasn’t sure why. “Grateful, fearful, joyful, and humbled all at the same time” she supposed. What compelled her to such emotion?

I had confessed my sin. And I was judged for it. Was it a just punishment? I didn’t think so. I still don’t. Forgiveness? From whom? When I went to prison for 20 months, I didn’t see much forgiveness there. But today…today marks a day where I shed some chains. I actually feel a little lighter – literally.

I came home from work and checked the mail. As I walked into my place, there was one letter that stood out among the sea of bills and junk mail.

Dear Mr. Fitzgerald

We are pleased to inform you that your supervision period terminated on June 29, 2009. It will not be necessary to submit further reports to this office.

We hope that your relationship with our office has been helpful and extend to you our best wishes for your future happiness and success.

Today marks the end of a 3 year “relationship” being chained to a probation officer. A chain has broken and fallen to the floor around me. After 6 years, I’ve finally been forgiven.

Amazing grace
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me…
My chains are gone
I’ve been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace

Stand By Me – this video will make you smile

Posted: June 29, 2009 in Uplifting, Videos
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a ‘dear john’ text

Posted: June 25, 2009 in Anger, Relationships
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Have you ever woken up  from a dream that seemed so real, you woke up in a state of panic, taking a few seconds to process whether or not it was a dream or reality?

It’s taken me a month and 10 days to put this down on “paper”. Writing it down somehow makes things more real, and I’ve been doing everything in my power to make the past 5 weeks anything but real. It’s felt more like a Salvadore Dali interpretation of life rather than reality, and I feel as though I’ve just woken up from my slumber, and I’m just now trying to get my bearings on what just happened.

On May 16th, I got a text message that at first glance, seemed a bit juvenile. MPF (my pre-fiance) and I had just gotten into a fight. It really wasn’t any different than the few other noteworthy fights that we’ve had over the past year and a half. It was definitely more intense than the usual irritations or rolled eyes moments, but it was nothing “new” in terms of content.

She was upset that I seemed irritated throughout the day. I was irritated that she was so affected by my irritation. I was thinking to myself, ‘toughen up for goodness sake!’ Then it happened. Then I decided to make the cardinal mistake of ‘talking things out’. We were soon engrossed in deeper discussions of the root of those issues. Before we knew it, we were in a full blown “conflict”. I say conflict because I’ve been in “fights”, and this was no fight. There were no raised voices (my opinion), there were no flying objects or slammed doors (yet), and there were no bleeping monitors going off. Just a good old fashioned difference of opinion, expression of annoyances, and attempt at forgiveness and moving on without making a mountain out of a mole hill. It was a controlled “christian” fight (or that’s how I think of it anyway).

Next thing I know, she’s getting up from the couch in tears and bee-lining for the door. “Oh, it’s ok for you to walk out, but not me?” Now I was being a jerk – and I knew it. Up until now,  I had been controlled, I hadn’t said anything that I would regret. But since she had already accused me of being rude (when I wasn’t), and of talking to her worse than any other person in her entire life, I figured, well, I might as well play the part. “I swear to God, if you walk out that door…” I said. I didn’t need to finish my sentence – she knew what that meant.

She walked out the door.

There are other details of course…like the fact that I was crying like a baby earlier on in our “conflict”, pouring out my heart to her. I was met with a dry eyed, irritated look. Actually, no – it was worse; it was a calloused, emotionless, empty look. That hurt a lot. Then there’s the other “detail”. Two minutes after having walked out of my condo, I threw her wallet out the door. She had called me from outside the building moments after she walked out. I thought she was calling to let me know she had come to her senses and that she was sorry. (nope)

I know. That was an ugly Nate moment. I tried numerous times to call her on her ride home to apologize – but she wouldn’t pick up. I finally had to resort to leaving an apology message. I HATE that. Within 24 hours I received a text message:

Hey.  I appreciate your apology last night.  I have been thinking and believe that we should break up.  I am not ok with a lot of things and think that this is best.  I love you and am deeply saddened by this but believe its the right thing.

My brain was spinning. Did I really read this correctly? Did I actually get a text message breaking up with me from someone that I dated for a year and half? This is how a relationship ends after all the I love you’s and the you’re amazing’s and the seriously, I’m so happy that God brought us together’s? Talk about a load of crap. How can I ever believe someone if they say those things to me in the future?

June 9th, approximately 3.5 weeks after the dear john text, I entered my angry phase. That’s Stage 2 of 5 for stages of grief. How annoying. I realized I was only 20% into my grieving cycle…

So where does anger fall into all of this? If someone hurts you (perhaps even undeserved), what are we called to do with that anger? Is it even wrong to experience anger at all?

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