Have you ever woken up from a dream that seemed so real, you woke up in a state of panic, taking a few seconds to process whether or not it was a dream or reality?
It’s taken me a month and 10 days to put this down on “paper”. Writing it down somehow makes things more real, and I’ve been doing everything in my power to make the past 5 weeks anything but real. It’s felt more like a Salvadore Dali interpretation of life rather than reality, and I feel as though I’ve just woken up from my slumber, and I’m just now trying to get my bearings on what just happened.
On May 16th, I got a text message that at first glance, seemed a bit juvenile. MPF (my pre-fiance) and I had just gotten into a fight. It really wasn’t any different than the few other noteworthy fights that we’ve had over the past year and a half. It was definitely more intense than the usual irritations or rolled eyes moments, but it was nothing “new” in terms of content.
She was upset that I seemed irritated throughout the day. I was irritated that she was so affected by my irritation. I was thinking to myself, ‘toughen up for goodness sake!’ Then it happened. Then I decided to make the cardinal mistake of ‘talking things out’. We were soon engrossed in deeper discussions of the root of those issues. Before we knew it, we were in a full blown “conflict”. I say conflict because I’ve been in “fights”, and this was no fight. There were no raised voices (my opinion), there were no flying objects or slammed doors (yet), and there were no bleeping monitors going off. Just a good old fashioned difference of opinion, expression of annoyances, and attempt at forgiveness and moving on without making a mountain out of a mole hill. It was a controlled “christian” fight (or that’s how I think of it anyway).
Next thing I know, she’s getting up from the couch in tears and bee-lining for the door. “Oh, it’s ok for you to walk out, but not me?” Now I was being a jerk – and I knew it. Up until now, I had been controlled, I hadn’t said anything that I would regret. But since she had already accused me of being rude (when I wasn’t), and of talking to her worse than any other person in her entire life, I figured, well, I might as well play the part. “I swear to God, if you walk out that door…” I said. I didn’t need to finish my sentence – she knew what that meant.
She walked out the door.
There are other details of course…like the fact that I was crying like a baby earlier on in our “conflict”, pouring out my heart to her. I was met with a dry eyed, irritated look. Actually, no – it was worse; it was a calloused, emotionless, empty look. That hurt a lot. Then there’s the other “detail”. Two minutes after having walked out of my condo, I threw her wallet out the door. She had called me from outside the building moments after she walked out. I thought she was calling to let me know she had come to her senses and that she was sorry. (nope)
I know. That was an ugly Nate moment. I tried numerous times to call her on her ride home to apologize – but she wouldn’t pick up. I finally had to resort to leaving an apology message. I HATE that. Within 24 hours I received a text message:
Hey. I appreciate your apology last night. I have been thinking and believe that we should break up. I am not ok with a lot of things and think that this is best. I love you and am deeply saddened by this but believe its the right thing.
My brain was spinning. Did I really read this correctly? Did I actually get a text message breaking up with me from someone that I dated for a year and half? This is how a relationship ends after all the I love you’s and the you’re amazing’s and the seriously, I’m so happy that God brought us together’s? Talk about a load of crap. How can I ever believe someone if they say those things to me in the future?
June 9th, approximately 3.5 weeks after the dear john text, I entered my angry phase. That’s Stage 2 of 5 for stages of grief. How annoying. I realized I was only 20% into my grieving cycle…
So where does anger fall into all of this? If someone hurts you (perhaps even undeserved), what are we called to do with that anger? Is it even wrong to experience anger at all?
The Calm Before the Storm 