Everyone’s question when you come back from a missions trip is,

So? How was it?

And every time I get asked that question (every year), I never know quite what to say. Of course its ‘amazing’ and ‘incredible’ and ‘memorable’…but those are the expected responses, and I somehow feel disappointed when the words that come out of my mouth don’t come close to measuring up to the experience. I’ve learned that it’s more about ‘how you say it’ than ‘what you say’ that tells the story of the truly exceptional nature of the missions trip. And to me, the ‘how’ should be more than just an intonation and enthusiasm in one’s voice. The ‘how’ should be evident in the fruit of that person’s life from that point forward. The question “how was it?” should be answered by the evidence of my life after coming back from a missions trip. And the question I have to ask myself is: Am I changed?

Peru Elevar 2010 (this year’s missions trip name) was another unique experience for me, and was an appropriate theme for me as well. I was hoping to be elevated to a new level in my walk and I went in with a high sense of expectancy that God was going to do something great there – I just didn’t know what it would look like.

You see, this was the 3rd year that I’ve gone; so the charm, excitement, newness, and shock factor weren’t a part of my experience this year. Did we do different things? Yes. Did we visit different places? Yes. Did we go with different people. Yes. But the experience was totally different. In fact, it was more challenging than I ever expected. Let me explain.

After a long day of painting, praying, cleaning, building, playing with children, cooking, or fixing leaky roofs or broken beds, we met as a group to debrief and share the ‘moments’ of our day. And every night, I stared at the carpet in front of me as, one by one, our team members shared with reckless abandon the impact that day’s events had on them.

One night, as I listened to the stories, I kept hearing voices in my head saying, “what’s wrong with you? Why are you so unaffected by what you see?” “Your heart is calloused” “You should have never come” “God isn’t speaking to you” “You’re being ineffective here”. And the more I heard those voices, the more I began to believe it. Ironically, although I was thousands of miles from home to serve God, I felt thousands of miles away from Him as well. Me being there did nothing to close the gap. In fact, it felt like He was even further away. I just wanted to be with Him. I wanted to hear His voice.

So after the meeting, I quietly went to my room without telling anyone, and I locked the door behind me. I opened my bible to read one of the theme verses for the week:

A wasteland, parched with thirst (Huaycan - Lima, Peru)

¹⁷ “The poor and needy search for water, but there is none; their tongues are parched with thirst. But I the LORD will answer them; I, the God of Israel, will not forsake them.

¹⁸ I will make rivers flow on barren heights, and springs within the valleys. I will turn the desert into pools of water, and the parched ground into springs.

¹⁹ I will put in the desert the cedar and the acacia, the myrtle and the olive. I will set pines in the wasteland, the fir and the cypress together,

²⁰ so that people may see and know, may consider and understand, that the hand of the LORD has done this, that the Holy One of Israel has created it.

-Isaiah 41:17-20

And as I read it, I began crying as I called out to God in prayer for the next three hours. I felt just as barren and thirsty as the people of Peru that we were reaching. I wanted that promise to be true for me too. At one point, I went over to the desk in the room and began writing out my prayer in my journal.

I sat in the room during our debriefing feeling empty and sad. I had nothing to say. I had nothing to offer. I had no stories. I had nothing to share. I feel as though my heart has been hardened. Why doesn’t it break my heart to see these women and what they have gone through? What is wrong with me? What has happened to me?

God I haven’t heard your voice lately, and it saddens me not to hear from you. God, I know You are watching over my shoulders right now, reading these words, so please, dry these tears and hear my cry for You. I want to hear Your voice Lord. I miss You.

Lord, I want You to delight in me. I want to make You proud, Father. Padre, I’m here with my family of fellow believers, and I see their joy in serving You, and I know You are delighting in them, but I feel like an orphan child who’s not quite part of the family. Why? Why do I feel this way? God, is it something I’ve done? Is it something I haven’t done? What is keeping me from experiencing You the way that others are experiencing You?

Journal entry – Day 4 – July 12, 2010 – Monday night

By midnight, I felt much better. But the true refreshment came the next morning when I received an email from the Benz. There was no message. Just a verse. It read:

spreading my wings to soar like an eagle

^27-31Why would you ever complain, O Jacob, or, whine, Israel, saying,
“God has lost track of me. He doesn’t care what happens to me”?

Don’t you know anything? Haven’t you been listening? God doesn’t come and go. God lasts. He’s Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn’t get tired out, doesn’t pause to catch his breath. And he knows everything, inside and out.

He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall.

But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, they run and don’t get tired, they walk and don’t lag behind.

-Isaiah 40:27-31 (The Message)

It was as if God was responding directly to my letter! It overwhelmed me with joy and refreshment, and became a turning point for me in the trip.

I didn’t need to go to Peru to learn that lesson. It wasn’t something that could only happen in Peru. But I believe that God brought me all that way in order to teach me the value of pressing into Him when I’m feeling thirsty. We get caught up ‘doing’ things for Him, but we often forget that God wants, more than anything else, to spend quality time with us. When you are doing all the right things, making all the right decisions…praying, fasting, and serving Him…what do you do when you don’t hear from God?

Press in further. Call out louder. Then wait and listen.

He’ll respond and refresh you.

Take a journey with me through this photo album in Lima, Peru (Click here for photo slideshow)

-Nathan Fitzgerald