"because you're chinese"
When I was in first grade, I experienced my first crush, and had my first girlfriend. That’s a lot of “firsts”. I’ll never forget that crushing blow when I was told that she couldn’t be my girlfriend anymore.
Me: “Why not?”
Kara: Squinting while pulling the sides of her eyes with her pointer fingers, making them extra slanted she said, “because your Chinese”.
I’m not even chinese. But in a state like Ohio, where the population of Japanese americans is about 2 (me and my sister), I might as well have been chinese. What else could we be?
I’ve heard just about every excuse for why “they” can’t date me anymore, and sadly, the reasons haven’t gotten much better. A narcissist would say that it’s clearly their problem. An unconfident loser would say that it’s entirely my fault. And although I think the answer is somewhere in the middle, I have no idea how one can know where I actually fall on that scale.
All I know is that at 31 yrs old, I’m still in the same position as I was at age 6 – confused. But what makes this so different from the rest of the relationships is that I’m confused for a different reason. I actually don’t care about the reason why MPF broke up with me. What’s got me all bent out of shape is that I’ve been hearing this pressing word that’s been popping into my head for nearly two months – and it just doesn’t make any sense.
“WAIT”.
Wait for what? Wait for MPF to come to her senses and beg to come back? (that’s laughable).
Wait for what? Wait for time to heal the wound? (that doesn’t sound like much fun).
Wait for what? Wait for clarity from God? Yes…that must be it. That’s what everyone keeps saying. Wait for God to speak to you. He will tell you what to do. That sounds so cliche – and annoying, but I’ve lived life long enough to know that there’s wisdom in cliche’s…so…
I’ve been praying, and I’ve been listening, and all I’ve heard is “WAIT” in this quiet hush of a whisper. Nothing more.
Seriously? Is that all you have to say God? I imagine Him mocking me saying, “You can’t handle the truth” in a bad Jack Nicholson impersonated voice. And maybe it’s not so far from the truth.
Tonight, I came across Habakkuk 2:3 which reads:
For the vision is yet for an appointed time and it hastens to the end [fulfillment]; it will not deceive or disappoint. Though it tarry, wait [earnestly] for it, because it will surely come; it will not be behindhand on its appointed day.
AMP version
This moment sure does “tarry”. I’ve been forced to tarry ever since I asked MPF’s parents for MPF’s hand in marriage. That was 7 months ago. And then God tells me to WAIT, even after MPF walks out of my life. What kind of sense does that make? If not for the promises in the Bible, and countless examples of God delivering people from terrible situations, I would think it were a cruel joke.
So then what am I waiting on? It’s easy for my heart to grow restless. I’m filled with love and joy and optimism and adventure and courage and boldness…I don’t want to wait any longer. I’m not comfortable to “WAIT”.
But it’s a comforting verse nonetheless. Despite all the waiting and lack of clarity, there’s a promise hidden in there.
It will not deceive or disappoint
Interesting. It’s not a cruel joke. It says it right there. It will not deceive. And apparently it won’t disappoint either. That’s a bold statement.
So I wait, maybe not so patiently (although I’m working hard on that aspect of the waiting game), but I wait nonetheless, and another thing that has begun to press on my heart is that there is only one thing that I need…
All I need is you
The Calm Before the Storm 
Nate,
I agree with you playing the waiting game is not fun, but I see it as a test on obedience. Are we obedient to what GOD is telling us to do even when things don’t add up based on our human perspective? It is easy to give the typical Christian answer and so “Of course!” But reality is, its challenging to be obedient when something that you believe GOD clearly promised you falls through. That brings me to another point…have we placed expectations on GOD or are we just expectant that GOD will do the best? Those are two different things.
I am constantly learning about relationships, and I believe that it is just one of those things that we will never perfect. If you think about it GOD chose LOVE as the greatest command. It sounds so simple but its so hard to grasp and put into practice given hard times.
So I just want to encourage you to keep waiting Nate if that is what GOD is commanding of you. In time you will definitely understand why. Because I can personally say that is what has proven to be true in my life.
I am going to leave you with this verse Galatians 6:9 reads “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”
So right now concentrate on sowing (i.e. being obedient, praying, etc.) and in due time (some versions say season) you will receive what was appointed for you, your harvest.
Love you much!
P.S. Once you receive that harvest whatever it is we will celebrate.
Wow…powerful stuff Josephine. “Have we place expectations on God or are we just expectant that God will do the best?” God’s not a genie, but we often think of Him as such…
Nathan, I was just reading some of your blogs. I see you are still struggling over “MPF” breaking things off at this time. You are now in your 30s and so ready for a family, and tired of being alone, I understand. Jesus was 30 when He began His ministry, God does such great things with that age. At that time, we are just beginning to see the reality of life, and just beginning to realize that life isn’t forever, that time is short. We don’t know what God has in store for you. But one thing is for sure, stay close to Him, get to know with Him with all of your heart. He really wants what is best for you. Just never get sidetracked on the desires of this world. God created woman for a helpmate to man, and I’m sure that is His plan for you since it is a desire of your heart.
There was a woman that raised her daughter without a husband for 6 years and wanted so badly for her daughter to have a father and for her to have a husband. She had lived her life in such a way early on, that lead to changes that might not possibly have been the way God would have intended. He probably didn’t intend for her to have a child at 18, but God is so loving and so patient with us. He used that experience and those circumstances to bring those two, now adults to Him and to begin to trust Him. He uses our mistakes and can make such good things of them if we allow Him.
Your previous life, before Christ may have placed a detour in the road, but God is using that to get you to your destination, He has incorporated that into your tapestry, and in doing so, is making it even more beautiful and more detailed. In Jeremiah, God says “I know the thoughts that I think toward you, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Maybe you would have been married by now, we don’t know, but God is using you greatly with the mistakes you have previously made. Just focus on what He is doing now, and be obedient to Him with what He has for you at this time. In time, you will see why you had to go thru this storm, but persevere, and keep going forward on the path He is placing you on.
Thank you for your wise counsel and helpful reminders. While life over the past few years has been…well…interesting to say the least…I wouldn’t trade it for the world. You are right! God has taken my detour, and incorporated that into my tapestry, making it more beautiful and detailed and interesting.
If it’s one thing I’ve learned in all of this “stuff” is that God is good, and He is faithful…so despite the pain that I encounter along the way, I have peace knowing that there is something great it store for me – something I can’t even imagine:
“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him” (I Corinthians 2:9).
I appreciated your concern in your letter, but I totally reject the “music”? I suppose the music was intended to be a prayer to God (according to the message) but in my belief, He does not need the endless repetition and the music is ill.
The term WAIT indicates she is merely considering the situation. With years of experience–I suggest you find a beautiful gal and bring her as a date to your church.. Your friend will recommend waiting no longer
Dr. Otto,
You are so funny with your disgust for modern day worship music. And your suggestion to find a beautiful gal…equally as funny – and also appealing.
Thanks for your friendship. We must do breakfast before I leave for Peru this weekend.
I think you’ve got it right on Nathan. All we need is Christ. A good verse to illustrate that is: Matt 10:39 He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.
For someone wanting and needing so badly to have a wife, to admit that all they really need is the Lord, that is amazing!
It sounds like He really has your attention. Now just listen to everything He tells you through the Word and through fellowship. The Holy Spirit speaks to us and the more we obey and listen, the clearer His voice will be. But always check it with the bible, if you can’t find it in scripture, it might not be from Him.
Oh, and also remember that God Loves to bless us with the desires of our heart. Psa 37:4-5 Delight yourself also in the LORD, And He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, And He shall bring it to pass
Josh, thanks so much for your comments. It’s really amazing and encouraging to see how God has been leading your thinking. Great advice and encouraging words.
Btw, that’s a great point about hearing the Holy Spirit’s voice, but checking it with the Bible. So often we associate the Holy Spirit’s voice with goosebumps and thoughts that pass through our head, but it may be nothing more than goosebumps and thoughts that are passing through our head. The Holy Spirit will never contradict God’s Word, so that’s a great litmus test to make sure we are on track when we feel we have heard God’s voice in our lives.