The Calm Before the Storm

Monday morning, shortly after I got to the office, I received a text from a friend.

It happened again. Ur not on fb 😦

Sure enough, when I went to login into Facebook, I was met with the all too familiar message:

I could feel the blood coursing through my veins the way a gulp of hot chocolate might feel on a cold wintry, blizzard day as it pushes its way down the inside of my stomach.

“Why is this happening to me?”, I said in a hushed voice at my office desk. But the thing is, I knew why my account had been deactivated. Even though the FAQ section was not going to address the reason why my account had been deactivated, I knew what the real reason was – the unwritten reason…well, it used to be an unwritten reason.

Two years ago, when they deactivated my original account, they wouldn’t tell me the real reason. But now, it appears, the rules have changed. Now the rules include people who have been convicted of a sex offense (http://www.facebook.com/terms.php). Unfortunately for me, I now fall under their newly revised statement of rights and responsibilities (as of August 28, 2009) – a statement of rights and responsibilities that was not in place when I recreated an account in July.

I understand the argument (of course). After all, who would want pedophiles and rapists and sexual predators lurking around the pools of Facebook cyber space, looking for their next victim? I sure wouldn’t. I plan to have kids someday, and I sure wouldn’t be thrilled about the notion of these ‘guys’ preying on my children.

But the other side of that story (which is factual btw) is that convicted sex offenders are not the ones you need to really worry about. They have already been caught and punished. The reality is that they actually have some of the lowest recidivism rates among criminals in the entire judicial system, with only 3-5% having been rearrested after conviction. Keep in mind, ‘rearrested’ does not equate to being ‘convicted’.

Compare that statistic to other inmates that were released from prison, and their recidivism rates jump up to over 67% (http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/crimoff.htm#sex).

What’s my point?

I hate that the mistake I made in June of 2003 as a 25 yr old has put me in a category of criminals whereby people are scared to death of associating with me. If leprosy were a modern day rampant disease, I would be the equivalent of a leper. Just like the lepers of biblical times, I have been cast out (virtually) as a second class citizen. I’ve come to really identify with and love the story where Jesus heals the lepers (Mark 1:40-45).

I have no right to vote, I have no right to network with friends and family of mine through a tool like FB, I’m not allowed to step foot on school property, I’m not allowed to leave my house on Halloween, there’s been talk that I’ll have to put a special license plate on my car identifying me as a sex offender…the point is, there are a lot of things I can’t do, and a lot of methods of casting me as far away from society as possible, and I would be lying if I said it doesn’t get to me.

Ironically, this past Tuesday night at Lifegroup, I led the discussion on the topic of SHAME as a form of baggage that we carry throughout our lives – and boy is it a large baggage piece in my life. If I were at the airport, it would be the type of baggage that would weigh in way over the 50 lbs limit, costing me a ton just to send it to my destination with me.

So why don’t I just empty it out, right?

I’d love to. Really. I mean, who likes to pay extra for their baggage when going on vacation, right? I certainly don’t. But the thing is, every now and then, something pops up to remind me of my past, to condemn me of what I did in 2003.

So when I walk into the local grocery store, like I did one day in 2006, and see my face posted on the community bulletin board with my name and address highlighted in yellow like a Wanted sign from the late 1800’s, it doesn’t exactly make it easy for me to ‘check my baggage at the feet of Jesus’. I’m gun shy now. Every time I walk into that Weis, I scan the bulletin board for my mug shot. Is that the effect of baggage in my life? How do I get rid of that?

I don’t have to do this yet (and I emphasize ‘yet’), but there are sex offenders that have to put a sign in their yard on Halloween that advertises they are a sex offender, much like a realtor might stake their claim to a property being sold. The laws are changing every month. Facebook’s rules are evidence of that. Am I looking ‘over my shoulders’ figuratively? Yeah. I sure am. Is that the effect of baggage in my life? How can I get rid of that baggage when I’m constantly facing game changers that affect my life?

And when I get pulled over a few times a year by a cop who scans my plates and sees that the driver has a criminal record. Does that make it easy to forget about my regrettable mistake in 2003? Oh, and its icing on the cake when they instruct me to get out of my car so that they can talk to me. What’s up with that? That was never protocol for me before my conviction. Have you ever had to get out of your car when you were pulled over for 1) a suspected illegal window tint, 2) a blown tail light, 3) [insert bogus excuse here]? Again, it makes it hard to forget your past when this is the effect of your baggage.

I constantly feel like Forrest Gump in that scene where he was trying to find a seat on the bus, but was met with a cold “Seat’s taken” remark each time he went to sit down. Did he deserve being treated that way? Was he a freak? A total loser? Forest didn’t seem to let it get to him too much, but I’m sure it did at times. And there are times, where it gets to me too.

I know that God is not the One who is bombarding me with condemning situations whereby I’m being reminded of something that I did over 6 yrs ago. That’s Satan’s work. I know that. I also know that there are consequences for our sin. Sometimes, they play out in ways like I’ve described. Sometimes they don’t. Are these things fair? Is this what I deserve? Probably not.

But then I’m reminded that Life Isn’t Fair. And if I really stop to think about it, I should praise God for that fact. Because if it were…if life were truly fair…and if I were given what I really deserve…I wouldn’t be here today. Romans 6:23 reminds me that “the wages of sin is death”. So what do I really deserve? Death. But praise God for being who He is.

8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. 9 He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; 10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. 11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; 12 as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

– Psalm 103:8-12